Fingers reach...
... trace free lines.
Curves and define;
sculpt you.
Image of truth reflects;
languid waters search
as iris deepens...
...Lets me in
fully.
Shallow breath whispers,
shivering in warmth.
Wrapt attention...
...Never stopping,
faltering.
Gold melts through white horses
hiss of smelting
carries us...
...Transports
in fleeting triumph.
Together.
A contest entry
- Blush by Pamela A Lamppa.
700 points, ended November 5, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Perfect!
-
Well.
Ahem and let me catch my blushing breath. I felt like a voyeur witnessing a most personal and private moment. Spiritual with soft sensual undertones. I truly felt the blush in this piece.
Your first stanza is most touching and tender. I felt the need to pause between reach and trace so perhaps a line break or a comma there would emphasize - others may read that line differently. (just an observation)
The rest of the poem flows so smoothly with staggered lines stopping and beginning in all the right places. Puts the mood exactly where it should be as this soft verse increases with momentum and urgency. Excellent.
The only word I don't like is "amongst" and it is used a lot by may poets, but a personal thing with me. It always sounds so heavy, like a lead thump, and in this softly intimate piece, I think another word could have been used. Maybe, just among. It softens and has the same meaning. (these are, however, only thoughts)
Truly a brilliant entry for the prompt and I am so pleased to have read this today. Thank you so much for your entry.
I am allowing edits for the next few days prior to judging. I will be back to this beauty. ~Pamela 
-
this was a touch of wonder... your words took me into another dimension and gave me a hopeful feeling that i can definitely carry into tomorrow.
Adding your comment:
