I invite you to sit with me
on the top of the roof
like two owls.
This is a nice place
to watch the skies,
to listen to the sounds
of wind chimes
coming from some
unknown place,
to wink to stars,
to sing, to scream,
to leave all troubles
to be easy,
to let time pass by.
Put on a warm coat,
it could get cold,
or take a soft blanket
cozy and old
to keep us safe,
and cover us both.
Wait with me for the sun
to go down to west,
snuggle next to me
like a bird in the nest.
And when the midnight
church bells will divide the day
we will borrow
a moment of eternity,
this precious time of ours
between yesterday and tomorrow.
Author notes
POM
Theme: Just a wish, what could be wrong if I wish to sit on the top of the roof?
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 24 of 24
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Hi, and welcome to the POM
I love the feeling your words invoked. They were gentle and soothing.
I was not as fond of the short lines and overlong sentences, but it balanced out over all.
A most enjoyable read.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented
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I love you form and the poem theme very beautiful and creative poem good luck in the pom
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Yes, give me the old blanket- not every smell has been washed from it. God bless our olfactory bulbs! Love this.
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Yes, you are right.
Thank you jolly for reading my poetical trials.
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Welcome to the POM Sonja....I have missed you :)
First impression....one long S* is not recommended, as I have to decide on where to take long breaths, and my brain can sometimes get foiled when the Tone, or subject-at-hand, keeps going ~
Next....using the word *to* as often as you have, takes away the Poetic Beauty of this inventive write ~
**And when the midnight
church bells will divide the day
we will borrow
a moment of eternity,
this precious time of ours
between yesterday and tomorrow.**I do not suggest beginning your line with *And*.......however, those last few lines are superb and most gorgeous ~
There is not too much to critique here my friend.....just a few small areas of concern which I know can be easily edited aftrer contest closes ~
I adore your ability to make me stop and ponder the thoughts whith each line......but, as I have mentioned, your one long S* is most confusing to my reading-brain.....other than that. lovely write.....just not a lot of POWER or Impact to leave a lasting impression upon my soul......I have seen your quill blow me away many times.......this time, it was just....so-so......but, not bad......good luck & God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 8.85...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre, but....it made me curious -
Flow 7.4....I am having problems without proper S* guidance......break up your thoughts some....let me see when I plan on reading a new thought* -
Depth 9.1....nice visuals.....nice little journey -
Theme 9.6...Nicely chosen -
Feelings 9.5....I was engaged in your personification -
Grammar 9.35...simple, but affective -
Presentation 7.4...not a fan of ( 1 ) long S* -
Uncommonness 9.4...unique....just needed some more Power to make me remember it better -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.9...I did not ponder much -
Ability to follow Rules 10! -
Bears Score: 88.5
Not as high as your other entries into the PO's, but not bad either :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I have missed you too. Problem with long S* ... lol...hey! This is poetry It was written this way because I like it, but we are not here to discus of tastes. I am so glad to make you ponder. Too much "to"... let me see... (?$%&#!!!) I use it "only" fifteen times, lol... Well, this is just a contest, the game, and I will have to live with your scores.
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the moment between yesterday and tomorrow, the most undefined of undefinables, like the undefinable quality of the serene beauty in this poem
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Thank you my dear mimi for your visit on the top of my roof.
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Beautiful;
well written and full of wonder, flow lush and rich great job
*Go with God*
Valerie
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Dear Valerie, thanks a lot for visit and so nice comment.
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Outstanding
Your imagery is exquisite as ever. I liked the ending which was unexpected and profound. This poem is almost spiritual with the link to the church and trying to capture eternity. Best of luck in the contest.
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My dear Beth, your comments always makes my heart to beat faster. Thank you for such a nice comment(s) and so great support.
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You Are The Best Sonja
Kako si Sonja - putting a dream to poetry is your specialty - I like the way the story unfolds - so romantic to say the least - I read all the other comments and have to agree 100% - keep on penning - Bless God - Joe ------ dobar dan
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Well, I am not sure if I am the best. Judges always has the last... Thank you dear friend for you so hight score.
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Lovely thoughts - to just be able to go sit up on the roof and enjoy nature. (my roof is too steep...lol)
Lovely images in this.
best wishes in the contest.
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Too steep? Hmmm.. than be carefull where you sit. Thanks a lot for reading dear aboomer and for good wishes.
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lol - I live in an old Victorian - the peaks are too steep (and high) for anyone to sit one!
- but did have a house with an upstairs porch - and that was really nice to 'sit in the treetops'....
best wishes
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This is pretty, very tenderhearted and sweet. I can't sit on the top of my roof, but I have a balcony... does that count?
Anyway, best of luck in the contest!
Best wishes,
Laura
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Well, balcony counts too if you have the right company
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Precious moments...reminds me of a song "Up on the roof"...lol, showing my age now! Good luck in the contest
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Thank you cutie. I know the Beethoven's Moonlight sonata too but I am not of his age, lol....
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Rofl...well said
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Sonja
Your poetry is always so soft and easy, loving and warm, calm and comforting. Always with a slight accent though much less than when I first read you. I read you like a good friend, there and steady. Best wishes Sonja.
Love,
Jim
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Thank you Jim. I am still learning.
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