you kissed me in the nighttime when my bones were dry as dust
and you kissed me on the skyline when my lips were dry as rust
and you promise me tomorrow or the day I wind up dead
that i'll regret the words from blood just like the secrets in my head
if i crumble if i crumble
--please don't sweep me all away
if i stumble if i stumble
--swear you'll catch me, 'cause i may-
it's not the cemetery haunting (but you know just what to do)
could be the leper, or the reaper, either way you follow through
and the hollow came up empty like the inside of your eyes
even when i soothed your temper-bathed myself in your despise-
your promise was discomfort, but this just really fucking blows
(you promised to show god to me, but heaven's gotten old.)
my voice was static in the evening when i told you go to hell,
and I got wished there twice as fast and forty times farewell
i swallowed up the irony and chased it with despair
and tonight a whore will kiss you and i don't really mean to care...
...i've died a thousand deaths but i just can't get past one more
...i've breathed a thousand breaths but i just can't get past one more
i pushed the calculator buttons till you were smaller than a fraction
then i erased you from existence and gave myself some satisfaction
i sneezed and then i blinked and you fell out of both my eyes,
but after all it seems so simple, i've connected just to die,
and after all it seems-
so simple, i've selected just to die.
Author notes
Well, my guess is, this doesnt go under the happy category.
Just a guess.
Dooooo it.
Comments
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I love the ryhme. My favorite part? "My voice was static in the evening when i told you go to hell,
and I got wished there twice as fast and forty times farewell." -
A winning rhythm like this will almost always result in a winning poem, as it has here. Your powerful words are a good match to the meter. My favorite part was "and I got wished there twice as fast and forty times farewell" Yes, that is irony. You're poem is great--good luck with everything else.
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holy cow.
that was good.
i read it like a song.
a very powerful song... and boy did i feel it!
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Well Thought Out
Your poem is enchanting. It's haunting and mystical, and I like it. It's really interesting how you made the different patterns for rhyming; it sounded like it could be a song.
Line 9 **it's not the cemetery haunting (but you know just what to do)** sounded a tid bit squished, but that could just be me.
It's always fun to go to hell in stories, poems, songs, and such. The Odyssey was the first to do this, I think, but yours is much more direct and a whole lot shorter. That's good for often impatient people like me!
You have excellent work here, a poem that takes several reads to comprehend and enjoy. It's not old yet. YEAH! for you!!
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this is beautiful, so full of emotion. you hold gorgeous imagery and excellent description throughout, and i especially love the first two lines, they really pulled me into the rest of the poem. i feel like i can relate to this. thank you, a beautiful poem and one I truly enjoyed reading. - ElectricBloom
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Wow
this was intense...i got the impression that this was a very morbid relationship, the cheating boyfriend, the empty emotions the lies empty promises, only for the character to realize her situation too late.
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I like your sense of humour stating that this is not under the happy category - haha. I enjoyed the poem though it was so sad and depressing in tone. The strange thing is you managed to soften the sadness with amusing images like the calculator reducing him to smaller than a fraction. In a way, that sort of image also heightened your bitterness and scorn towards him.
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2 aposible Thumbs up!
The moment of engagemnt for me was the following line/stanza(S)
"and the hollow came up empty like the inside of your eyes
even when i soothed your temper-bathed myself in your despise-"
Amazing conceit, full of imagery and musicality! Great write!
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Anything but the happy category! Very well written piece filled with such pain and sadness. It's heartbreaking to read. Thank you for sharing
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loved the format of this. very good emotion in it too. great write. keep it up!
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That was absolutly breathtaking.
It completely broke my heart,
'I've died a thousand deaths but i just can't get part one more... i've breathed a thousand breaths but i just can't get part one more'
I loved that part and thought that whole poem was expertly penned and beautiful. I hope you do as well as i expect you will in your contest.
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WOAH
this is awesome. Absolutely freakin awesome. No, I believe this would not qualify under tha "happy" category, as well =P
Favorite lines:
if i crumble if i crumble
--please don't sweep me all away
if i stumble if i stumble
--swear you'll catch me, 'cause i may-
This is really good, actually, I'm genuinely impressed
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This was excellent, I love the formatting. This was such a great line:
"i pushed the calculator buttons till you were smaller than a fraction
then i erased you from existence and gave myself some satisfaction"
Thank you for the entry. Priceless author's note.
-N -
I love the rhyming here, and the story told was wonderful! Thank you so much for entering.
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