Sometimes, when I walk too far
I feel an undertow
and fear death no more
Gliding with a burgeoned cord
my faith swells
for silver linings truly glimmer
Like a surgeon who operates on the heart
my spirit, soul and body
I'm giving them for you to solve
I yearn for you, to still my bilabial lips
for my eyes twitch unevenly
and my soul can not bear being quenched
by my tears...
Author notes
This poem is for all those suffering in the Occult.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - by Bear - by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended November 1, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Interpretation?
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
-
Excellent write. How sad to give up one's being to another to solve. Happiness can only come from within
-
I don't know what the Occult is but it gives a great mood and I enjoy that
-
WOW!!!
-
I love the wording and the flow is wonderful.
There is mystery in this write, as well as charmand feeling.The tether that spirit hangs by when walking through that dimension, its silver gleam shining, allows us to know more of HIM and His heaven. The tears of this Earth become more obvious than ever.
The way I read this, I would suggest that line 7 would be "Like a surgeon who operates on the heart..."
VERY nice write. ~ Joyce
-
I love this, mysterious language, heart felt stanzas, beautifully put together. I really like this piece. I feel I must read this one several times to truly get the full effect.
Thank you for sharing. Unfortunately, I do not have any helpful advice. I think it is lovely.
Blue~
-
Talking about tears, I got teary myself in the last stanza.
A testimony of the soul; profound, emotionally aching and humble.
You spoke your heart out and I felt every word, every gesture.
Just one note; You wrote “ I feel an undertow” …. and didn’t quite bring closure to your words to reflect those lines in your poem.
And “For silver linings truly are” … completing it will capture the reader, and raise the beauty of the words your trying to express.
Overall the statement you made is touching =)
-
So sorry, I am late in commenting.
Lovely in content with good language art.
I sense a longing to be unbound by this spirit. If this is indeed, true, I have a testimony to share.
Now for the form.
I love it. It enhances the overall statement. However, though I understand the effect of pausing thoughts, the ellipses does not need
to be used so much.
I would only use it once, and as it seems, the ending would be the best way, especially on
how the last statement drops into one word.
See what I mean?
Thanks so much for posting!
-
Great poem, caught me at the start with the loss of fear for death. The pull of the undertow and operation on heart, great strength of imagery.
-
Alright...picky...."I feel an undertow..." why the comma at the end...you didn't apply it in any other part of the poem...it hangs awkwardly...
"For silver linings truly are..." A thought that is incomplete...what are they truly...well to leave up to reader's interpretation...
(Spirit and soul are not the same thing, right...?) Capitalize 'I'm.'
Is "Jesus" a direction towards him...or is it a term if lieu of "God." For it is, it doesn't fit well there...
Other than that...I think this poem was well written, an the intentions achieved. -
-
I think your critique was the most helpful so far. Thanks.
-
-
Well, that is certainly what the goal was.
-
-
-
Hey and welcome to the POM!
This is excellent. There was a sense of gravity that kept me reading, but the title didn't really pull me in. There is pretty good description, also, I didn't understand your theme.
Excellent job though!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hi, and welcome to the POM
I love the tone of this write, quite intriguing and meaningful. I, personally, would have liked to see more...this whets my appetite.
Great descriptive lines in all stanzas.
Not a lot to critique, the shortness works well there.
Unfortunately for me, I didn't understand your theme, not knowing what it is to suffer in the Occult, but without the AN, I enjoyed the read...probably putting my own interpretation to the words..which is always a good thing.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
-
-
Somethings are truley hard to understand in the Occult, so probably most poeple won't get it.
-
-
Uncommon theme, it makes me to ponder about it. Good luck.
-
Welcome to the POM!
Capping each line is a Rule which you have broken, as it is not required here
Try to avoid the word...*For* at the beginning of lines.....not Poetic......however, the thing I enjoyed the most about your entry, IS, the Poetic Tone which you have set forth ~
Nonetheless.....when you CAP each line, my brain reads ahead and does allow me to slow.....or stop, when it should, causing havoc in Flow ~
I am glad you did not use all of the LINES allowed for this Challenge, as I believe you would have taken away most of the POWER from this write and made me go....Ho huumm ~
Lots to think about in so few lines.....nicely done....but, is it enough to win?
We shall see....good luck & God bless you..
...Bear ~
Title 7.85...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Flow 9.4....I am impressed by your ability to keep movement in your words....even with simple Triolets, you managed to do it within one long, or two short breaths -
Depth 9.2...lots of depth for such a short write...very nice -
Theme 8.2...seen this type of Theme before, but your fresh approach is nice -
Feelings 6.5....could have used some *POWER-POINT* words to enhance this short write -
Grammar 9.15....simple & affective -
Presentation 9.4...( 3 ) short Triolets are, ..ok -
Uncommonness 7.7..break out your Creativity Quill for next time! -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.9...I did ponder....but briefly -
Ability to follow Rules 10! -
Bears Score: 85.3
Not bad!
I hope to see your talent back!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
-
-
Yeah, i did not fully understand what you meant by clapping, and still don't. What do you mean by Power Point words?
-
-
Clapping??
Do you mean...CAPPING?
Power Words are words which will stand out amongst common words in your writes.....these words shall also make the Reader slow down and begin to absorb all of your thoughts, as they know you are going the extra mile to bring Lasting Impression upon their soul.......I hope that helps
God bless you,
Bear ~
-
-
-
Not a theme I've seen before. I like the emotion in this.
best wishes in the contest.
-
Such sadness...but enjoyable
Good luck in the contest
Adding your comment:
1 - 20 of 20
