burns
I lay around
and keep things to myself
fill my pockets
with levels of consciousness
I'm spread too thin
to become a star
but maybe
I could layer the atmosphere
or your
pessimistic values
those silver linings
that always run shallow
just like you
left on foot
your skin compressed
around your body
and your face sunken
who was I
not to follow
when you left such a wake
that sometimes
I crave
simple things
like warmth and coffee
in anxious fits
I become a child
nurturing thousands of thoughts
in my brain
leaving little room
for dreams
but I've learned to deal
with constant pain
in my side
readjusted my posture
just to avoid the sun
on my leathery skin
where once
your hands lay like freckles
or a fresh kill
and try to think
in new tongues
so I can
forget your rusty voice
and the way
it burnt my palms raw
every word
ended up
in my hands
I know your new slang
is really just
the bi-polar
and I cannot trust
your mouth
with a history
of running
quicker than foxes
each line
becoming its own
tethered lie
Author notes
"You are not alone...We care about you! Find help in an eight week support group."
A contest entry
- new slang by hilly.
700 points, ended November 8, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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i'm running out of things to say about your poems. i love this.
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yes i did
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wow.. and i thought i read everything!
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"fill my pockets
with levels of consciousness"
You fill MINE with your streams of consciousness...bloody hell, love these 2 lines more than I love chocolate (or just as much.
)
"pessimistic values
those silver linings
that always ran shallow"
Beautifulllllll! Love your use of 'shallow' and 'values'...
"just like you"
Ahh! Even when you use 3 words,
your impact is a fucking bazooka.
"who was i
not to follow"
I.love.that.
It's just so...vulnerable.
"leaving little room
for dreams"
"your hands lay like freckles"
Wow...most creative use of 'freckles' I've ever seen.
"rusty voice"<==can I steal this?
It's so rough and good.
'bi-polar'<==you don't need the hyphen, although I suppose it's a good emphasis with the 'bi'
"and i cannot trust
your mouth"
Love this...it's so well, distrustful and forceful.
"quicker than foxes"
OHMYGOD.
Jessica -
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lol!!!
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Was it a red fox?
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that sometimes
I crave
simple things
like warmth and coffee
With a ton of wonderful images I went with simple. Coffee is a personal passion of mine; along with anything simple. Life is complex enough, without adding complexity to it. Nicely done.
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well, shoot me with a spit wad.i like this.
helen~
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lovezz <3
-joan.
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good timing! you psychic into my life. i need a rest-of-my-life support group.
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fill my pockets
with levels of conciousness
I'm spread too thin
to become a star
I crave warmth at the moment, it's fucking freezing =/
leaving little room for dreams - I really like that. I guess I sometimes feel like that, how can I learn new things without pushing out other things or reducing me creativity. Nicely put, as always.
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new picture is trippppppy
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haha
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Stanza two, four lines up from the bottom - shouldn't or be of?
He was like a drug to you, addicting but not beneficial. Or so it seems.
I hate that the trust was broken for you. But you deserve more, deserve better.
♥
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I know your new slang
is really just
the bi-polar chewing at truth
and I cannot trust
your mouth
with a history
of running
quicker than foxes
each line
becoming its own
tethered lie ....
as a bi-polar i can say i am always chewing at truth and i am always lying ... it becomes a vicious cycle of nothing matters anyway ...
GREAT WRITE as usual ...
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"I could layer the atmosphere
or your
pessimistic values
with silver linings
that always ran shallow"
That sounds like someone I
don't know anymore.
-
I know your new slang
is really just
the bi-polar chewing at truth
and I cannot trust
your mouth
with a history
of running
quicker than foxes
each line
becoming its own
tethered lie
-------- your writing is obsessive. i can't get enough of you, my love
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Man, your opening lines are the definition of greatness as they lead into greatness; I always get a vibe of vulnerability AND strength from your stuff...like, self-awareness of your weaknesses.
"fill my pockets
with levels of conciousness"
Oh god, that's so good; what a concept.
Spelling should be==>consciousness
"or your
pessimistic values
with silver linings
that always ran shallow"
I always feel like you are talking to "another self" in your poetry, as opposed to another person...I love that.
"pessimistic values" is genius...I think 'with' could possibly be a 'those' for "those silver linings/that always ran shallow". Is that an awful suggestion? I always feel awful making suggestions for your stuff.
"who was I
not to follow"
Oh my fucking god.
Those are 2 beautiful lines...they are so terribly heartbreaking...I don't think I've ever used that word for a poem.
Wow, wow, wow.
"I crave
simple things
like warmth and coffee
in anxious fits
I become a child
nurturing thousands of thoughts
in my brain
leaving little room
for dreams"
SO good..."warmth and coffee" Great juxtaposition, and 'nurturing'<==liked that.
And "little room/for dreams"...how sad and haunting.
"bi-polar" Could just be 'bipolar' without the hyphen, unless you wanted emphasis.
"quicker than foxes"
OH MY GOD. LOVE THAT...
Makes me want to be a red fox...like my nickname.
"becoming its own
tethered lie"
How fucking amazing.
Jessica
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goooooooooooooood suggestion, don't be so silly
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why did i bother entering lol...
this is a gold'un jp - and i'm not only talking about the trophy. lol
i just love your streams of consciousness.
meghie
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You entered because you rock
You stupid talented bitches, both of you.
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!!
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I'm just sayin!!
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too speechless to leave an articulate comment, so just enjoy the clappy smiley faces.
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thank you
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dammit. you HAD to enter?
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lol......sorry! i think you have nothing to worry about
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haha you should read your own stuff for once ;P
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I am sounding like a broken record too...just know that I feel every word you write C
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fuck man. i never know what to say on these things. but you know that i love everything you write
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thanky
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