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lost wind kills

lost wind in the night
they wander
no memories
but still they ponder
questions ripping through the sky
to find an answer to deny
they have no souls
they have no love
no heart to pump them up with blood
peace or morals
just the need
to have control
over every breed
friends dont
devour friends
dont strangle
their breasts
dont take the fetus
and make it into shit for
breakfast
dont make them into shoes
or ugly bags
friends are friends
no matter how their tail
wags.

lost wind in the night
they stalk their prey
living for just another day
go to work
collect their pay
while the world erodes
while the world decays

Author notes

POM contest topic:veganism

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • stasis
    October 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hey and welcome to the POM!!

    I liked the concept of the poem, but the loss of punctuation completely threw this off for me. I haven't really seen a poem about veganism on this site, granted, I've only been here for a few months, but yeah. The flow, however, was good. I liked the piece, I just think it needed a little more work.

    My scores will be posted at the end of the contest, and remember, no editing until the contest is over!!


  • NeonRose
    October 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi, and welcome to the POM

    While I thought the concept was good in this write, I found the lines choppy, and the lack of any punctuation distracting.

    The flow of thought was good, but would, for me, improve with more punctuation and less line breaks.

    A good title, I would click on this out of curiosity.

    Definitely a theme worth developing further.

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented






  • Entwining Beauty
    October 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wonderfully written poem Very different topic never read nor seen until toady, very beautiful wording also.

    good luck in the pom


  • Sonja
    October 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Interesting theme for this contest but I must admit I am not fun of some words usage in poetry. anyhow, I like it and can't say that one day I will not use some of them too. Good luck.


  • Arkbear gold member
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to the POM!

     

     

    *but still....COMMA>>>.they wonder....I see quite a few areas of concern with ( no ) punc.'s.......and not CAPPING is something I do frequently, so no problem there...... for me.....however, I do appraciate punc.'s to slow, or to stop me, as my brain reads ahead, and it would be nice to know ahead of time, to keep your terrific Flow going

     

    *no heart to pump them up with blood*.....that line is a tad awkward and not as Poetic as I enjoy.....as well as taking away from your nice Tone ~

     

     *friends don't devour friends*.....another, not-so-poetic line ~

     

    OK.....I have seen this Theme many times, and the Challenge to winning in the PO' Contests, is to bring Creativity to your entry.....this is a good write, but it is weak in Creativity......I would like to see you join us again, as I enjoy your talent & insight.....but please make sure you break out that creativity quill next time

     

    God bless you!

     

     

    Bear ~

    Title   9.85...I would click on this Title, I find it draws me in -

    Flow  9.1....I am impressed by your ability to keep movement in your words, even without punc's -

    Depth   6.8....hmmm...not a lot of depth...pretty straigh-forward -

    Theme 7.2...Common Theme....looking for more creativity next time -

    Feelings   6.5....I was not engaged in your personification....I think a fresher approach is needed -

    Grammar   6.85....simple....bring on the POWER choices of uncommon words -

    Presentation 7.4...not a fan of one long S*....break it up with varying Tones -

    Uncommonness  5.7...a fresh approach is needed -

    Sit & Ponder Affect  5.9...I did not ponder -

    Ability to follow Rules  10...great job here! -

    Bears Score:  75.3

    Not bad.....as I said, I enjoy your talent....I want to see more of it....please join me again....God bless you!

    No editing once a Judge has touched your work or until after contest closes please


    • TOEchikira
      October 29, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      thanks for the feedback! yeah the topic is pretty common, i agree. i was just watching the video for 'ready to fall' by rise against and it got me in my 'im a pissed off vegan!!' mood. lol but yeah thanks for the great scoring system it really helps to know what i need to work on.


  • aboomer silver member
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Great images in this. I love the phrase
    'lost wind in the night' - lovely!
    best wishes in the contest.


  • cutiepie gold member
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Bravo Good luck in the contest

1 - 11 of 11