Carmine ink splatters silence,
where castrated ghosts cry foul,
and serpentine tongues devour thought
like syringes sucking marrow
from parched bones.
Midnight masochist cries
caffeinated tears, engraved
into glass eyes;
once-white parchment;
now splashed in violent vermilion. .
Coughing crimson bile
until brainwaves vomit dust;
nails raked across the face
of canvas-flesh
paint the empty sky with blood.
Author notes
*POM Contest*
My theme: Overcoming writers' block.
"Amaranthine Lover"
& I am Immortal Obscurity.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - by Bear - by Arkbear.
2000 points, ended November 1, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Best Prewrites From October 2008 by amaranthine lover.
1550 points, ended November 22, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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A dark poem with some amazing imagery used. Very nicely written. Thanks so much for entering. Blessings, Patty
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beautiful I absolutely love it
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Yes, but this is not specifically about POETRY - it could apply to any type of writing - creative or otherwise.. indeed, since it never mentios words, it could be about doing art-work on parchment.
I shall reconsider this poem when I do the final judging (at present I am only presorting entries into 'probably'. 'possible@ and 'impossible") but I have to say I did want something a little more specific to poetry.
And - a hint for the future, do remember when entering a poem in a competition to delete from your "Author's Notes" box any notes specific to some previous competition. -
And the struggle goes on
Imagery here is well...awesome. Darkness to inspire and emotions to rock, overcoming writers block can put your mind in a dark place ( "Carnality For Necrophilia" ), thus there the devil whips you into shape, well written poem and I'd like to wish you all the best in the contest.
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Hey and welcome to the POM!
I agree with NeonRose, this is probably my favorite entry out of all of them. However, while I do not practice this ~slaps own wrist~ the title should be capitalized.
You had some excellent use of metaphor and imagery in here that I enjoyed immensely. Great work and best of luck.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hi, and welcome to the POM
This is my favorite write so far, great images and use of language.
Unfortunate that the theme is so common, this will hurt the scores a bit.
I love the first stanza! Great lines that grab one and pulls them right in.
I like the way you carried the theme throughout, even though there were a few things that would be considered "cliché".
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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It is not easy to overcome writer's block. It hurts when you have "it" and you can't translate your thoutght to paper. Nicely done. Good luck.
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Welcome to the POM!
The first thing I noticed, was your Theme.....yikes!, I said
*and surpentine tongues*....CAP Surpentine and begin your sentence there...place a period after *foul*.....just MO ~
*parched*.....*parchment*.....watch out for those common sounding words and closely related words
Your last S*, rocks big time....this is what I call Poetic Beauty.....nice job!
Yes, your Theme has been done sooo many times....however, when you pen it with a fresh approach such as this, you get my attention......but, I would stay clear of ever using this Theme again, as it will not gain favor again from my gavel.....
There is nothing more to critique here.....good luck and God bless you,
Bear ~
Title 8.15...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre, but I'm glad I did read it, as it was a nice surprise -
Flow 9.15...not bad, but some of your lines and phrases are a taaaad on the cliche' in Tone, causing me to stop and wish you had placed something else there....ie; parched bones......glass eyes.....crimson bile.....canvas flesh.....etc -
Depth 8.8....hmmm...not a lot of depth....more on the side of *Showing, vs....Show & Tell* -
Theme 7.2...seen this type of Theme before, but your fresh approach is nice -
Feelings 9.0....I was engaged in your personification -
Grammar 7.85....lots of cliche Tone -
Presentation 9.4...usually not a fan of all Quatrains.....break it up some
-Uncommonness 7.7...common, but with fresh approach -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.9...I did ponder,.....maybe a little here & there -
Ability to follow Rules 10...watch for no black borders.....no deductions this time, as I need to make others aware that this is allowed, but ONLY Black Bords -
Bears Score: 85.15
Ouch!
Not bad....but you are going to have to bring MUCH more than a common Theme to win in the POM.....God bless you my friend!
Bear ~
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I didn't even see the borders; they didn't show up on my comp until now! I hate the new AP
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Although I've seen this theme a lot, I don't think I've seen one done as well as this is - your wording is great! Very vivid images.
Well done IMO
best wishes in the contest.
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Clever take on this theme, especially apt owing to halloween
Good luck in the contest
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Very nice Immortal I liked it.
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