Pre-Manstrual Tension is that time of the month when the male can do absolutely nothing right, he lives in fear of his life and he’d rather kill himself than await the killing blow that could come at any time. Its that time when reality takes a break for about 5 days and the females in his family unit swap places with their evil, parallel universe counterparts or maybe they pull a Jekyll & Hyde, not too sure of the details. Further analysis is needed into this phenomenom. Now that said, there are signs in the build up to the event…
1. It’s not your imagination; there is a dark cloud developing above your house. Its nature’s warning of the coming storm. Heed it!
2. Those alarm bells you hear ringing in your head. Its not paranoia, it’s a repressed memory of this time last month resurfacing, where your mind has tried to protect you from the horror. This is simply a biological coping mechanism that activates in the male every third week of the month. Complete amnesia of the previous five days allows the said male to live in blissful ignorance/denial of the developing Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome. This also accounts for the somewhat shorter lifespan of the male.
3. The females at this time will experience both physical and psychological changes that are quite often misinterpreted by the male. Symptoms include:
a> Seven Dwarves Syndrome. It is called such because of the nature of the developing personalities that include: Grumpy, Horny, Weepy, Angry, Clingy, Evil and Dopey. It is important that the male not be fooled when dealing with Weepy or Clingy because despite the natural response to comfort, they could become Grumpy, Angry or Evil at a moments notice and subject to change without warning. So as a safety precaution, the male should always throw a chocolate chip muffin like a grenade at the female’s feet and retreat quickly.
b> Long-Term Memory Retrieval. Whereby the female will both recall and recant everything the male has ever said or done wrong. At this time it is imperative for his own safety that the male remember that whether he is right or wrong, he is WRONG!!!
c> Depositing Venom. The female while experiencing varying degrees of rage will spit poison at the male that may escalate to fire should the male speak at any time during this process. It is believed that the poison sacs develop in the female’s ankles as there is often noticeable swelling at this time.
d> Rapid Cleaning. The female will dust and clean at approximately ten times her normal rate of speed as she chants disparaging remarks and comments about the male. If at any time the male should ask if she is okay, he will receive a very cold ‘FINE’. It is at this time that he should retreat quickly (see appendix a)
4. The male is likely to find all manner of strange paraphernalia in the bathroom that will both baffle and confuse him. Words like wings, strings, promises of comfort and freshness while playing tennis, swimming or cycling only deepen the mystery of their relevance to events. What has been established is that these items are not for use with general sports equipment and although they offer limited absorbency in swimming, they are neither comfortable nor fresh when wrapped around a tennis racket or bicycle handle bars. Further study is needed…
5. The male will experience varying degrees of dread that increase in intensity at this time. This is simply mortal fear and although it may appear unfounded it becomes more justified in his mind as the days pass.
6. As the female becomes increasingly consumed by the event, she becomes a vessel that quite literally accelerates the males age, causing tremendous mental turmoil and stress as she absorbs his life-force with her irritability, rage and accusations that have no basis in truth or logic. Interesting to note that this also contributes to the male’s shortening life-span (see appendix 2)
7. As the event reaches its climax, it also becomes the most critical time for the male. The female fully embraces the event and develops extreme strength and a keen knowledge of weapons expertise and can at will, create a lethal weapon out of any object that is within reach at a moments notice. This is called A-Teamosis, whereby the male will find himself avoiding projectiles of all shapes & sizes in a manner unseen outside of the 'Matrix Trilogy'.
Should the male survive the event, so will begin his repression of short term memory. Lasting effects of this recurring phenomemon include percieving the 'reminding' nature of the female's voice as white noise and the inability to see sought after objects before his eyes. The female at this time develops an elated euphoria and feeling of well being that the darkness has subsided. Perceptual stimuli includes fluffier clouds, brighter skies and that hunk down the road washing his porche.
In conclusion, more study into the cause of this phenomenon is needed...
Author notes
Hi there,
If this is too long or innapropriate for your contest, please let me know & I will remove it...
Thanks... 
In a list
A contest entry
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550 points, ended November 8, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Parody! Satire! Something Witty, please! by CoundessaScarlotti.
1100 points, ended November 11, 2008, 9 entries
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Gold trophy winner
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Gold trophy winner
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Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Spoof Prose... with exalted metaphors... weird and funny! by PinkPony.
700 points, ended May 6, 10 entries
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Honorable mention
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400 points, ended July 14, 44 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me Laugh by lesbian-in-love.
700 points, ended August 17, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PMS = Psychotic Man Slayer. by Poetryintheblood.
900 points, ended October 12, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Funny Funny Funny!!! by funnybone.
800 points, ended October 18, 15 entries
Silver trophy winner
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 62 of 62
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this made me lol.. i dare to ask if you have done actuall case study on this subject??
you got the makings of the female PMS down to a fine art!!! and i hate to say mostly true!!!lol
although i must stress most men only have themselves to blame when the dragon rears its ugly head!!! lmao...
great write and good luck in my contest
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OH MY GOSH! I might die but this is so funny. The best I've ever seen on the subject matter at hand lmao. Good luck in the contest even though you don't need it. This is just hilarious!
Jake
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I like your name, Poet. A lot. 
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Ummm a very wise man would run right now Lmaooooooo, I love it, thank you and good luck , Josie
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No comment.....(I've learned when to shut up)
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Well, ya know P.M.S. does stand fer "puttin' up with men's shit".
Hey, I grew up 'tween two brothers. I be informed.
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maybe its because this is my time of month brother but why it this all about men ?
women never get any respect ! bla bla bla grin love you lol this is so funny.
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this was a delight to read... laughed most of the poem especially because I've lived thru theses things and I'm none the worse for it lol... wouldn't trade my baby for anything even when she PMS's
best of luck in the contest
Sean
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I give it an A+ for originality. Expression of a condition that I had no idea existed...lol. You are so creative.
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Interesting. Needless to say it is true. LOL Nicely done . thanks for entering and good luck!
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WOW WOW WOW finnalist list!
this... this needs to be published... it can prevent wars! -
well deserved golds dude. =] i may be a girl, but even i thought it was simply hilarious. haha...great. but hey, in our defense, youuuu guys dont know what its like!!! we dont "enjoy" tormenting the guys in our lives....it just happens.
oh, maybe we do enjoy it, but we still feel kinda bad about it later... ;]]
oh, and you never did address the seven dwarf syndrome located between grumpy and weepy. hahaha. i would like to understand that one in eyes of the male.
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i LOVED this! it was really funny!! awesome write! you're very talented. keep up the good work! thanks for entering and good luck in my contest! congrats on the trophies to.
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HAHA OMG Bro this is hilarious
I loved your point of view of this time of the month.
Most definitely worth all the shineys you have been awarded for it.
You are truly a unique and amazing talent.
keep the ink flowing
again amazing
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HAHAHAHAHAH this is just amazing!
You are amazing for writing this!
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Haha
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Grumpy, Horny, Weepy, Angry, Clingy, Evil and Dopey.
ahhh awesome hahahaHA -
Struck by your knowledge and brilliance!
This is a masterpiece and should be made into a TV special. It could star somebody from MAD TV. You are so very FINE here and FUNNY!
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You think PMS is bad wait for menopause ... at this stage of the hormonal game, husbands, boyfriends.. lovers... ect.. come up missing.
This is so truthful and entertaining all at the same time, but of course me being a woman I'll have to take some offense... but then again I'm PMS'ing
right now.
laurie
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Well spoken and I admit quite true. You know your stuff. Absolutely loved it. You were right funny but real. Thanks for the share. You amaze me once again.
Aleshia
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OMG!!! LMAO!!!! This is wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!
It must have taken you forever to write all this and you have done a perfect job. I love the humor. Thanks for sharing. -
Superb!
This is brilliant Bruv...I can't stop laughing. Well done! So what about men who have selective memory eh! I can feel a write coming on. 
Mwuhahahahaha!
Mariana
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jesus! you knew my ex??
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LMHO...hehehehehehehehehehehe
lol...lol...lol...lol...lol...lol
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AMUSING ...
thanks for entering -
truthful
one point you seem to have missed, (from growing up with 3 sisters), when they live in the same place, they all seem to have their "special time" at the same time. wierd, but true. congrats on the gold - Kevin
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LMAO Me and my dad were dying laughing reading this. This is so true though. I feel bad for my Dad and brother when I get around that time of the month. LOL I enjoyed the read!!! Thank you for entering my contest
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No wonder I look 20 and feel 50... Well, i am 50 so that dount count i guess.
Very well done, made me laugh...Scott
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Priceless! I'd love to say that I'm not that bad but I believe that my boyfriend would care to argue! The seven dwarf syndrome is hilarious but one little note - a chocolate chip cookie will work as well...or a handfull of chocolate kisses...or a brownie. And come to think of it, it works at ALL times of the month - not just that one. Thanks for linking me to this one, I had a jolly good belly laugh!
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Very Nice
Good poem and thanks for entering
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Fantastic!
I love the idea of "Seven dawrf syndrome", that had me howling!
This is pure brilliance, absolutely hilarious! It would make even a woman in the midst of PMT laugh!
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This line made me laugh!
"So as a safety precaution, the male should always throw a chocolate chip muffin like a grenade at the female’s feet and retreat quickly."
Ah, chocolate. It sooths the raging beast!
Try living in a household with a premenstral maiden and a menopausal crone. Now, THAT is the dark side of the moon in all of it's horrors! lol's karen
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Spectacular!
Thank God, I am never that cranky around that particular time of the month...This cracked me up completely! VERY good work...
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LOL This is quite some poem that you have penned in here. You certainly got me laiughing on this one. I could see myself in a couple of these things and you actually made me feel sorry for guys having to go through this. Oh well. I guess you've got to chaulk it up to life and just move on. I thought you did a good job of expressing yourself here.
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Very funny! Love the chocolate chip muffin and the 7 dwarfs!
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I love it! I had to chuckle while reading it...although not too loudly so as to not awaken the oldest male in our home. Tomorrow, I will have to read it to him as I know he will enjoy it as much as I did.
Very creative! Well written!
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oh come on we're not that bad!!
:L -
very funny
You have captured this phenomenon wonderfully well. You make it a little more bearable, by helping us realize the humor of it all. Just remember, as hard as it is for you guys, it's no picnic for us either. -
Ha, that's so funny! I like your humor and making of light on the subject! This made me laugh.
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Now I know why I am so old. Thanks for enlightening me.
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PRICELESS
ABSOLUTE BRILLIANCE
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You ought to take this and find more of the same sort of inspiration and write a little booklet. The way in which you word things would make the entirety quite funny.
Also, could I have a little more information from you about that group (people with disabilities)? Or do you know much about it yourself?
Best of luck in the competition. -
Great and we all know that time.
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Great,Great
whre did you ever come up with this? I think you should send this to all men all over the world then maybe we all will survive a womans wrath, and madness. Great great great, 1,000,000,0000,000. applaud on core.
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This is really funny and I too laughed all the way through. It is interesting to see it from the male's perspective too. LOL Thanks much for the laughs. Blessings, Patty
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This is so great.I laughed all the way through it.Is it a good flow or bad flow well I think it was very well worded and easy to understand.You seem to have a personal knowledge in this phenominon and it rings true to every one I think.Funny how you relate to it as a dissability.I sure do.Never looked at it in this perspective but now that I have it all rings true.Good luck in the contest and thanks for making me chuckle.
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BAHAHAHAH!!!! oh my goodness...this is superb! LOVE it...and I'm so going to share this with everyone on my mailing list, and link it in all my favourite forums....A truly magnificent, well thought out piece of writing. Great job!
Thanks SO much for sharing this,
Luck
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I used to be the poster girl for PMS!!! So this is so hilarious to me. My family knew to be on guard for all the things you shared here. This brought such a much needed laugh to me today...thank you so much for sharing this...I love it!!!
Az
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This is hysterical!!!! You've hit the nail on the head here!
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This is so good...I couldn't stop laughing...You have got that time of the month to a T. I had trouble reading the last bit for tears. Sheer brilliance and a great read.
Good luck with this
~sugar~
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This is definitely a winner! It has finesse with panache and wise thought. I want to email this to all of my female friends; they'd get a kick out of this -- oops, was that schadenfreude? Any-who, great job! Peace.
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Haha! this is brilliant! There just aren't enough kudos!
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Fritz my friend-this is as radiant as a full moon full of lunacy tripping a brou ha ha with tangents of truth...love all the wordplay...the seven dwarves syndrome...genuis...pre-manstral tension lmao...ironically was just listening to Leonard Cohen singing it it be your will...am bookmarking to enjoy all the nuances again and read to a friend that will laugh their cotton socks off at this with me...I'm gonna hedge my bets like Carlsberg...This is probably one of the best thesis I have ever read...three yellow happy clappy chappies and a brilliant blue rosette from me!
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"So as a safety precaution, the male should always throw a chocolate chip muffin like a grenade at the female’s feet and retreat quickly."
I don't care what time of the month
it is you can through chocolate
at me and it will be well recieved
This is genuis and so hilarious--
my second time reading it
and it still made me laugh
til my tummy hurt!
Great Job!
Good luck in the contest!
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d> Rapid Cleaning. The female will dust and clean at approximately ten times her normal rate of speed as she chants disparaging remarks and comments about the male. If at any time the male should ask if she is okay, he will receive a very cold ‘FINE’. It is at this time that he should retreat quickly
i loved that..
lol sooo true..!!!
great thesis..lovely choice of words..
one word about your write..
SPEECHLESS!!
=D
much love n good luck in life..
Anagha-Nataraj
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LOL - how awful that you men have to go through something like that!
loved it!
best wishes in your contest.
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LMAO! Love it!
This is awsome! I love the bits added...I howled reading it! You've hit the nail on the head very well
Had to put it in my hall, got to read it to the lads...forwarned is forarmed after all..lol. Madam loved it to! Awesome write hunni, you need to do more like this!
Good luck in your contest but my word you so shouldn't need it with this!
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I can't quit laughing this is so funny. When my daughter Jasmine she is four now but as a toddler I told my husband one day on the phone that Jasmine was suffering from TMS he asked me what this was and I told himi Toddler Mental Syndrome the knack to drive a parent crazy. Thanks for sharing this funny write hugs Theresa
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ROFLMAO!!! Oh, my....I need to write one myself, not only about how the male is ALWAYS WRONG and other points you made so well but also about how all of the females in-house (including the animals) must tolerate men's foolishness during that time of the month! ( I HAVE been known to ask all of my houseboys if they need a MIDOL today). WELL done!
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LMAO ! you are a psychic! you have read us well dear friend of mine !
What a brilliant 'Word of Warning' .... that should stand well in the chapter of a book
Wish every male could read this and understand the finer points you so rightly told .
Venom and poison ... injected or secreted, penetrates lol !
As for those Dwarfs.. well !!!!!
and the Porche .. I love my ride.. especially the Silver love mobile.... beats the Matrix any day..
Now I have pondered on the finer state of Womanhood I wish you men goodnight ... and revenge I seek LOL
BRILLIANT loved it
Julie x
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How Brave!!
.fantastic!!, a "FINE" piece of writing and very amusing, all totally true of course, though, it's a brave man that puts it down in black and white.
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I love it fritz this is so great!! You did a most incredible job!! I know exactly how this feels though it is a lot different for girls than for boys!! I always knew that men pmsed in their own way!!! This is so well written!! I love your details and descriptions!! You portrayed this so excellently!!! You truly did a marvelous job!!!!
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