Outside the world had changed.
Colors swirled into each other,
making a rainbow swirl of the world around me.
Was I dreaming?
This amazingly beautiful place could not be the same beach I grew up on,
It was too full of life, too enchanted to be the same place.
The sand was multicolored,
as was the ocean
and the sun.
I felt like I was no longer real,
but floating, floating on emotions
I had never felt before.
Each color had it's own personality,
it's own vibrant words to speak
[or shout].
Was I now Alice,
and was this now Wonderland?
The ocean screamed with living things,
the array of differnt colors pulsing
to the rythm of the waves.
The sun reflected light as a prisim,
in hues of blues, greens,
and reds.
What was this place that I had awaken to?
No amount of adjetives could describe
the perfect colors of the sand,
of the tall trees that moved with the breeze.
This was truly a perfect paradise,
if only it really was all in my mind.
Author notes
AP Name: Water Color Sky
Option: One
A contest entry
- FEAST YOUR STARVED EYES UPON THIS by Asabouros..
1000 points, ended October 29, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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BEAUTIFUL!
Sky this piece quite astonishing! I could see every image in my head and the exact shades of blues, greens, and reds were picture perfect in my mind! This was an astounding write. The most climatic and breathtaking part for me is when you say "Was I now Alice, and was this now Wonderland? The ocean screamed with living things, the array of differnt colors pulsing to the rythm of the waves." This piece reminds me of a poem I wrote called "Imagination". They are both very different in imagery but very similar in concept. And alot of my friends love that poem of mine, so it is certain that they would be just as entusiastic about this one. Great read!
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psychadelic! my favorite part was:
"The ocean screamed with living things,
the array of differnt colors pulsing
to the rythm of the waves."
i feel like i have just visited this paradise with you. neat! - NANGALEEMA
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All in all, I really enjoyed reading this, it was very calm and fanciful, very nice. However a couple of lines caught me up and disrupted this beautiful poem for me! BooHoo!
I suggest that you perhaps find a thesaurus! Repetition of words is my main problem here, words like "colors" and the use of similar phrases, as in the first stanza "swirled" and "swirl" and "world"
Also, in line one of the fourth stanza, I feel you could/should remove the word "like" it'd be better without it.
Another also! In the sixth stanza, merely a suggestion, it could go either way, but consider perhaps deleting the "now" from before Wonderland?
If you go in, and you don't have to of course - your choice, and change around some phrases to make the language more unique and vibrant...then I really think this has a nice shot at placing!
Thank you very much for entering such a lovely piece, and I'd appreciate if you'd leave a reply to this comment stating if you'll revise, and if so, when such revisions are complete.
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