Brew of Sunshine
for Verlin
Add a dash of passion
To a gentle kiss of you
With a touch of sunshine
I begin my erotic brew
Mix a choreograph of butterflies
With a pinch of turquoise dreams
Blend in clouds of fervor
And there our rainbow gleams
Dip that tear of happiness
From your iridescent eyes
Your smiles of rosebud dimple
Make my secret desires rise
Your whisper please, for finale grand
A garish sigh of "I Love You"
Hold my hand while I take yours
Our love in perfect brew
(C) SnoWryTeR xiaoDan
A contest entry
- True Love by DawnKestrel.
1050 points, ended November 4, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
You've got a really good rhythm in this poem, it flows really well. Good job!
-
A pleasant metaphor
Well constructed. At no point does the metaphor show redundancy, the language is well-crafted, the words well-chosen to present a pleasant image. Since you insist on criticism
, I would perhaps change "brew" for "potion" to link in with the popular metaphor of love as a spell, and perhaps "garish" is an inappropriate adjective? Nevertheless, if this is a mere draft, then I eagerly await the finished version.
Adding your comment:
