i can't help
but stare
the familiar fragment
of cloth; brown-red and
clotted around your neck
prompts reflection
of times i had
forgotten to remember
i was young and
easily manipulated
in my childish
infatuation
you were the flame
i was drawn to; making life
brighter than drab
nothing was too high a price
for the retention of your
positive regard
not even my
mothers' wedding sash
the last thing
my fascination
forced me to yield
to your greed
and ironically,
the antithesis
to your colourless
non-existence
Author notes
Prompt: Maroon Scarf ...
My mother has never been, nor will she ever be, married - just so you know ... I never gave away anything that important ... but only because she didn't realise just how much I would have given her had she asked ...
A contest entry
- Individual Prompts.... by kiwigirljacks.
700 points, ended November 4, 2008, 17 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is a draft - be as harsh as you like.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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So easy to imagine things that could've been. Just don't let them effect the real. Resentment can derive from this. Congrats on the bronze!!
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Congrats
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A comma after 'ironically'?
I felt like punctuation was so sparsely used, it should be used at least once more, and that seemed like an appropriate area to use a comma...maybe. I dunno.
I love this
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I can definitely relate to this.. I have been drawn to that flame before and sold part of my soul because of it.
Fantastic take on the prompt!
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"mothers wedding sash"
==>mother's wedding sash; an apostrophe inserted
Um...wow.
I have a maroon-esque scarf (I called it "purpaloon", because it was purple and maroon and what the hell...I don't know, it's a cool scarf) and yeah, you got the prompt and DAMN, this is so good!!! How ever will I enter this contest? 
"i can't help
but stare"
This is such an ambiguous way to begin a poem...you could be talking about somebody attractive, something you want in a store, something mesmerizing, etc., etc.
S2 and S3 are so good,
but they feel like they belong together, flow-wise in ONE stanza; what do you think??
"brighter than drab"
Makes me both sad and happy. LoL.
"for the retention of your
positive regard"
LOVE THAT!! Makes me think of needing approval to feel good about yourself; not a nice feeling. :C
"and ironically
the antithesis
to your colourless
non-existence"
SUPER cool!!! So many bloody awesome words chosen, like 'antithesis' and 'colourless' and 'nonexistence' (which doesn't need a hyphen in between, BTW unless you wanted to emphasize it...)
I think "and ironically" could be rephrased, but I love the feeling behind it all.
Maybe:
"to your greed,
the antithesis
to your colorless
nonexistence
ironically [enough]"
Is that awful? Just my personal preference...I think it flows better that way, maybe.
I like fat straws to sip through!
Jessica
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See, I was tossing up between " mother's " and " mothers' " ... I hadn't decided ... non-existance can have a hyphen (I looked it up, and it is spelt both ways) - but the point I was making was about blood and death - as I'm sure you figured out ... I fucking love 'purpaloon' ... the way you have it sounds (to me) like the greed is the antithesis, rather than the bloodied scarf ... hum ... I shall think about this some more and notify you of edits
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"mothers' " <==does that mean you're implying you have more than one mother in this context, or am I reading it wrongly??
Oh, it could have a hyphen, it just doesn't need one. LoL. But I don't mind either way.
'purpaloon' Should be a real color, right?
I asked some people what the hell color my scarf was and I got "It's maroon-y, but purple", so I invented 'purpaloon'
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Yes ... but that is why I was tossing up whether to use it ... my mother was going to be married in her mother's dress ... which would mean that there would have been two mothers ... but they weren't both mine ... well, in a way they are ...
I get confused myself ...
I would definitely petition for it to be a real colour! And then I'd have a club like the Red Hat Club (or society, can't remember which) ... but it would be Purpaloon - and I'd sell lots of books and possibly kill someone
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That is confusing-ishy. LMAO.
Red Hat Club; ooh, do we get to read stuff by Dr. Seuss? Heh.
Kill someone...
Miley Cyrus should be your first target.
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ohh! i can' wait
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"maroon scarf"
Let me know if that works for you, otherwise I can give you another
Or.. Jess can, she's helping me with prompts lol
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