Your songs sink into Psyche as
fluid lighting would sink into deep oceans
and my soul invites them to swim with
my delusional but romantic thoughts.
Enchantress,
Sing until your songs shatter my eardrums;
then make me like Psyche at the mercy of Venus:
solitary and powerless for a length of time, but
loved by Cupid and immortal in the end.
Inspire me,
for you know who I am,
aspiring poet,
and you know who you are,
Goddess of Poetry.
Author notes
Prompt: Love and poetry. To my muse ----, but you know who I mean.
A contest entry
- Individual Prompts.... by kiwigirljacks.
700 points, ended November 4, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Very nice piece...a lovely song to the muse. I know mines here somewhere, all I have to do is find its song! Thanks for your entry and the help!
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Thank you for commenting and for hosting the contest. The muse never leaves the true poet; keep that in mind.
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"You Know Who" inevitably makes me think of Voldemort from the Harry Potter books.
Anyways...
"Your songs sink into my psyche like
fluid lighting sinking into a deep ocean"
I think that's good.
Genuinely.
But I also think it could use tightening; I found 'sink' and 'sinking' kind of repetitive within just the first 2 lines of the stanza...maybe:
"Your songs sink into [my] psyche as
fluid lighting sinks into [a] deep ocean"
I think the 'my' and 'a' are optional, depending on your preference for liking article words or not...
I think it'd be better off as 'as' than 'like'; either way, it's still a simile, but I think an 'as' is more direct and profound in this instance. I thought 'sinking' was an unnecessary gerund.
'Enchantress'<==I LOVE this word; it's so exquisite
"solitary and powerless for a length of time, but
loved by Cupid and immortal in the end!"
That exclamation mark must be murdered.
LMAO...well, that's just what I think; it seemed to put an undesirably jocular spin on 2 awesome two lines.
"and you know who you are"
Just loved the simplicity of this.
Tell me if you make any edits.
Jessica
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Thank you, Jess. Your crits and praise are always welcome...I'll consider your comments for revision...for now exclamation mark, gone....hmmm, "as" would function as "while" in that context...dunno.
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I don't think so; I mean, 'like' and 'as' both are used for similes. Course, you understand your own poem better than I could, but yeah, that 'like' felt awkward to me.
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I know. Language, it's iffy...."as fluid lightning would sink," perhaps, donno.
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I think that's much better.
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I agree. Thank you.
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nice devotion to the Muses, very well crafted. Best of luck with the contest, outta be a sure fire winner. Three of those clappy dudes.
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Thanks, hoss.
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A stunning write! I think we all have delusional but romantic thoughts at times... adore the lines:
"then make me like Psyche at the mercy of Venus:
solitary and powerless for a length of time"
I think we'd all be willing to be made such under the spell of love and poetry!
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Thank you, Jackie, for hosting the contest and for reading and commenting.
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Romantic
It took me a couple of reads to let this sink in and it is a personal romantic poem that who ever Goddess of Poetry is... knows just a little more than the rest of us..or me... I just found out last week that Santa was really my parents..lol. Terrific write ...good luck as always...xx's
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Thank you...seems everybody knows who she is but myself...and why does she have to be somebody concrete? Why not just a fantasy, as she appears to be to me?
Vito
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Just stunning Vito.
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Thank you, Cinn-Cinn
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Ahh, your muse has you at her mercy and is the Mistress that you willingly get lost and found in.
You have twirled your Enchantess around the floor with a dance of words and let her live inside a word ballet.
An ode that she will savour for all the fresh fruits found within the flavour that's licked across Miss Poetry's possibilities.
She sounds like quite a gal!
Liked the submissive undercurrents swimming within the ocean of warm thoughts.
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Thank you, Yve. Your praise and comments are always welcome
Peace, love,
Vito
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"Vodka and sex"
Let me know if that works for you, otherwise I can give you another
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Well, if you put it that way, yeah! I'll be right over
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How about love and poetry, please, with sugar on top!
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Oh ok... geez! Demanding!!
lol
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gimme 20 mins.
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No rush.. not judging for a few days
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...I shuld've taken vodka and sex. Hoy! me head hurts
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There's just no pleasing you.. what's a girl gotta do!!
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...What's a girl gotta do? Meh, you don't wanna know I've already entered a piece, anyway, and I think I like it
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