the geyser of warm air
that used to pass between our mouths
was stolen by winter.
when i wasn't looking,
you covered my soul in stones
subconciously
i withdrew my talons from your chest
during this separation
frost spread across your shoulders,
& the flowers in your hair withered
with cold.
my lover,
i see antarctica in you
its glowing behind the waterfall
in your eyes.
the little bit of me in you
has gone dormant
but you pull on my heart
(like a magnet, like spring)
the song of the moon
sleeps under your skin.
Author notes
I think soon we are going to be totally seperated. & i think soon this wont be the thing that makes me feel that most. I feel like im going over the edge now, no looking back. & really im not heartbroken about it. I don't know. =/
A contest entry
- keep it close by the atlantic.
1750 points, ended November 10, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
its the permafrost
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I absolutely love the title
Genius! Great work. I am in awe!!
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Phew. Epic.
The imagery in this piece is stunning - it really brings in the emotions, the feelings, the situation and the similes/metaphors nicely; it is also very creative.
The raw sentiments portrayed and the personal spin to this just had me gripped. You can really feel how lost you are.
Great work!!!
Sorry to hear about this though 
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the song of the moon
sleeps under your skin.
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im sorry darling;
just know if you need me im here ok?
as for the poem it was so lovley but i can seriously relate to the coldness you get from that person, and maybe you can face the heartbreak just now. you are definatly a warrior though and i believe in you so dont give up. ily <3
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I adore that title!!!
And 'permafrost' is way cool; it's cracking up though. :C
"geyser of warm air"
So clever...can feel the heat.
"you covered my soul in stones
& subconciously
i withdrew my talons from your chest"
Love the bit about the talons, but I think this could be rephrased as:
"you covered my soul in stones; <--semicolon
subconsciously,
i withdrew my talons from your chest"
I think that 'and' is unneeded, in this case.
'seperation'==>'separation' is the correct spelling
"frost spread across your shoulders,
& the flowers in your hair withered
with cold."
So visual and frosty...
I think maybe it should be:
"frost spread across your shoulders
as the flowers in your hair withered
with cold."
I think this makes it less punctuated and more "flowy", if you'll bear with me. I also think an 'as' sounds better than an 'and', in that instance.
"i see antarctica in you
its glowing behind the waterfall
in your eyes."
Absolutely GENIUS. ♥ it.
Excellent use of 'dormant'...the bracketed line feels like it needs to come out of the brackets, though.
Last 2 lines...brilliant ending.
So good.
Jessica
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oh wow. wow ow ow.
"my lover,
i see antarctica in you
its glowing behind the waterfall
in your eyes.
the little bit of me in you
has gone dormant
but you pull on my heart
(like a magnet, like spring)
the song of the moon
sleeps under your skin."
this is great. and i love your word choice. "talons" , yes.
psh and you liked my poem. this is frosty, like windowsills in january.
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lovely, but oh so sad..
"the little bit of me in you
has gone dormant
but you pull on my heart
(like a magnet, like spring)
the song of the moon
sleeps under your skin."
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"my lover,/ i see antarctica in you"
oh my. and the end. which to me seems like it would be impossible to not be heartbroken about.
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