A starry essence made
me overdriven, losing balance
when gravity became unfamiliar,
forcing me to eat chaos and needing
to vomit a confused red crayon in a box
of yellow daisies fed up with storms
withering away in cosmic rains.
Eating the stars for supper,
jumping off rainbows to see where they
ended, taking the blankets of night
and turning something so beautiful
setting it ablaze in skins of fire,
making holes so planets may breathe
misfits playing with fumes.
With toys left for the dead
more interests astounds me
puzzling and confusion surrounds
making it hard to breath, saying i dont give up
as i steal the night away in a fury left untamed.
Author notes
I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.”
- Jack Kerouac
For contest 
A contest entry
- You have two choices. by Never Fall in Love.
750 points, ended November 11, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites, come and get them by Ryno.
638 points, ended November 24, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I think the images in this piece were good, and the emotion wasn't completely evident; but when seen it is strong.
My first impression of this piece was how much potential it has, if it is just fiddled with and revised a little.
My major suggestions would be too look more into the fluency of your write. The whole first paragraph was one long run on sentence and even though you had the comma halfway through, it really didn't have enough pasuses or breaks and it set up a bad flow. Also, your line breaking could be better. You could choose to break your lines where extra emphasis is needed and to seperate thoughts - I feel that linebreaking like this is especially important in this piece because of the long statements and ideas; it makes them seem less short and adds more strength where you need to add it to.
Remember though, I really liked this write and there is some really great things in it. Good job! -
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Hey thanks you pointed out some good things I have never thought of before. Like looking over the poem I kind of realized that it was one long run on sentence, I don't mean to most of the time... but that is a good point. Thanks for helping me out like that, I appreciate all the criticism I can get..
I shall work on the write a little more after the contest is over and see if I can make it better, just as an experiment.
I am glad you liked it though, it means a lot when someone likes my writing, because often times I am a harsh judge on myself... So thank you so much.
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feeling it
~prewrites, come and get them -
I liked this wholeheartedly. I eagerly wait for some good entry to come in a contest of mine that is not by my favourites.
I do think you need a fix up here. The effect is not properly shown in the way you have presented it.
For example, line breaks need to be worked on .. like I could tranform your first stanza into something like this [along with some edits and removing/replacing words:
A starry essencemade me overdriven,
losing balance when gravity became
unfamiliar -
forcing me to eat chaos...
and so on and so on. Some words like blob don't leave a poetic after-feeling. It diminishes the value of the words said.
But
this is your poem and my critique will mean nothing if you don't agree :)
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Oh yeah I would have never caught this if you wouldn't have said anything. Sometimes when I write I have trouble finding words and blob seemed like the right thing at the time. Thanks I'll change the beginning and see how it looks from there.
Thank you for mentioning and explaining that to me, I have always wondered why I try my best at writing yet never win anything.... now I understand.
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BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!
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This is something I found that I could totally relate to and it made perfect sense to me
Then again...I am on medication 
Seriously tho...I liked your entry in this contest and wish you good luck
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