Your fingertips brush past mine,
and for a moment I'm frozen in time.
An electric jolt surges through my fingers,
and races through my body
only to linger upon my heart.
I bite my tongue praying
for the feeling to return.
Hoping.
Eventually your fingers find mine,
and they wind together tightly
while our thoughts entertain each other.
A feeling of hope laces itself through my body
as I pray that this feeling never ends.
A moment comes when I glance upon your eyes.
Your eyes invite me, entice me
with a single glimpse of your soul.
I'm intrigued by all of your mysteries.
No second thoughts, I step right in.
Your soul envelops me,
and I'm dazzled by beauty.
I'm engulfed in a feeling of ecstasy.
My thoughts blur together
as I struggle to clear my mind.
I attempt to grasp the definition
of how I feel, but nothing seems to fit.
A contest entry
- Let Love Be Your Guide... by Celticpoet.
950 points, ended February 19, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the audition round. by stargazer..
800 points, ended May 21, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I would prefer critiques rather than advice please.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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"as I pray that this feeling never ends.
A moment comes when I glance upon your eyes.
Your eyes invite me, entice me
with a single glimpse of your soul"
i like this part....overall your poem is great, amazing constraction!!!!!
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Good pacing
I like the way you pace this piece. For me there is the sensation of the quickening heart, that fluttering of anticipation, excitement.
I agree that the second stanza could be separate. It is from a different time and I think as a poem the immediacy of the first is better on its own.
Sometimes I feel your rhythm falters - this may be intentional, after all the heart can skip a beat in such situations!
I really like the lines:
'I bite my tongue praying
for the feeling to return'
There are some good images and nice use of language.
Really like this!
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Thank you very much for such a great critique! I did intentionally not use a set rhythm through out the piece to imitate the way the heart and mind race and freeze with the emotions.
Also thanks for the advice about the second stanza. I agree with you it was nice to have someone else's opinion however!
Thanks
~Angi
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Originality: (7/10)
Emotion: (8/10)
Poetic devices: (14/20)
Structure/flow: (8/10)
Cohension: (8/10)
Title relating to poem: (7/10)
Personal opinion: (7/10)
Syntax: (8/10)
Diction: (8/10)
Total:75/100 -
Very beautiful. Really, there's nothing for me that needs changing. i think what you were getting at came across rather well, and it's a very beautiful piece.
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Thank you very much. I'm glad that you enjoyed it.
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let me start by saying: i really like this poem! my favorite line is "Your eyes invite me, entice me" .. it just makes such perfect sense out of something that's usually not said well. gramatically, it should say "i bite my tongue praying that the feeling will return," as far as i'm aware, and usually you would glance INTO someone's eyes, not upon them, but those are just minor errors. it's so cute! i wasn't sure if the person you were wrtiing about was yours, and then at the end i was just so happy for you! lol
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Thanks for such a wonderful comment! The line "I bite my tongue..." is correct, but your way works as well. I purposefully wrote "glance upon your eyes" instead of the word into. I wasn't talking about gazing into the persons eyes, but when you look up into their face and glance upon their eyes.
Thanks again!
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I do like this poem. It really does a good job of creating that image of being in love, which is something hard to accomplish. If you're looking for critique... you do repeat a few words back-to-back. For example, the lines "
A moment comes when I glance upon your eyes.
Your eyes invite me, entice me"
You should try to find another word for eyes, or simply use a pronoun - repeating it twice just dulls the moment. Also, I'm not quite sure of your rhyme scheme - some of the lines rhyme, and some of them don't. Perhaps you should take a look at that again. As for finishing it, I do get a sense of incompleteness at the end of the present version. However, I'm not quite sure how to end it myself.
Well, I'm looking forward to seeing the finished version! Good job
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Thank you very much for such an in depth comment. I also am not sure where to go from what is currently the ending which is why I've just left it for now.
~Angi
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This was an excellent read, with imagery that seemed to dance on the page and a well thought out structure. It brought its meaning across to the audience so well, I think we can all walk away a little bit wiser having read this piece of work. It gives the audience a lot to think about. I hope you continue to post your work on this site because I think you have a gift for words and could possibly have a career writing stuff just like this! Bravo!
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Thank you so much for such a wonderful comment. Its great to know that people appreciate my writing!
~Angi
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It is an undefinable thing meant to be embraced, celebrated and enjoyed.
A wonderful read
I wish you well
ken
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Thank you very much for your comment. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
~Angi
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