Skip stones on the stagnant surface
the funeral barge suspended and still
did the craft intend to see its casket cargo sink away?
Floating center aisle, center stage
but no one mourns the dead in plain sight
fish are floating to the top
not a drop of blue is there
the gliding rocks are cutting through
damp and saddened air
tree branches hang loose and naked
black
cold
still
grin from the shore and pretend to ignore it
you treat the sleeping child like the child before it
you let the stench regret itself
But please
don't play so close
we all want to recover, but the dead still have sense
they hear your shallow laughter
and they take complete offense
Please
don't play so close
we all want to recover, but for some it takes more time
you pleasure your whole body
I'll suffer inside of mine
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Intriguing mix of rhyme schemes and not in this. The repeated lines work well. I would be inclined to remove the But in the next to the last stanza - the imperative doesn't need it. Beautifully done. Buff
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i think dyebiefyre said all that could be said, but, here i go. . .
Wow, ok ,so i really love the impression this leaves you with. Love the use of alliteration in the first line. . .and everywhere. . .and rhymes too (shore/ignore). And the "thing, black, cold, still" the way you spaced the words. . . adds to the effect. Youre just too good at being vague. . .must be a "Lop" thing, The images and metaphors are inspiring too, different, not cliches, not overused, new, fresh. . .effective. This is great stuff, impressive, one of the better, possibly best posts ive read by you. . .seriously. . .i just wish i had some color in the lines so i could better understand what you are trying to say. Maybe it's just me. Ofcourse vague-ness is an art too. . Ok. . now im just getting wordy. . .and rambling. Overall, a solid and impressive piece. Everyones Dead at his best
There better be more where this came from
~n
va
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More than two weeks later, I return. Sorry about that.
Love your experimentation with alternate forms. (Modified free verse? Aren't all poems?) I think there are some exceedingly original lines here. Your imagery was really in use to set a scene here, instead of your usual metaphor-driven language (not that the metaphors added weren't powerful, btu they were understated). And all that was very vague...
The first stanza was one of my favorites, the alliteration was intriguing, and stagnant is one of my favorite words. "did the craft intend to see its casket cargo sink away?" was one of those original lines I was speaking of before-- the kind you don't see in other poems. "Floating center aisle, center stage" is one of those instances of understated metaphors (unless the whole piece is a metaphor for a funeral home... didn't think of that until now...).
The second stanza kept up with the scene and tone, but not so much on the originality. Well, the floating fish and gliding rocks work, and the damp and saddened air is passable... so maybe it's just the "not a drop of blue is there" that's throwing me off. I'm not one to talk, but I think that line needs something more specific/concrete, especially verb wise. "is there" rarely does it for me in poetry, unless it's emphasized for some reason.
Your dripping point... the tree branches and their adjectives... were very well placed, in terms of the pacing of the poem. It gives a vibrant (well, black is the anti-vibrant, no?) image, so I accept your black/cold/still as adding to the poem, though the words could have been stranger.
The penpenultimate (
stanza rocked my socks off, especially the middle line. It was a "woah, what?" moment. The repetition of "it", which would normally bother me, worked wonderfully, and the itself in the following line simply added.
The last two stanzas made me very happy. Not because that's what you were trying to do, but because I saw in that mix of out-of-reality-ism and the use of "obvious" moral a return to the Everyone's Dead poems of old, while still remaining modern in presentation.
"we all want to recover, but the dead still have sense/they hear your shallow laughter/and they take complete offense" reminded me most of your work of old; and while it was odd to have the straight rhyme after so much non-rhyme, the lines were so good, I wouldn't change them. They work for the poem.
The echoing of the structure at the end, the two last stanzas, worked so well. The end is one of those suffering poems of yours, but while the poem holds a little accusation, it doesn't quite condemn the epicurean that keeps on popping up in your poems. Rather, it seems to present two reactions to grief, and how one views the other. And of course, it's about respect.
The structure is what really got me, you've gone so modern! But their were stunning lines that will keep me checking back in on the poem.
PS- If your next poem is named "Ultimate" or "Fine", it had better be followed by a "De Capo" or "Beginning Again". That's all I gotta say -
Love. love. love. it.
Larger critique later.
PS- WHY aren't you going for creative writing? Write poetry forever? Live the inspired life? etc etc?
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This was really cool. I'm glad you posted something new. I thought it started off really solid, and then the end just blew me away. I think the ending is the most important part in most cases. I'm always striving for that perfect line to finish with that just hammers the point home and gets the point across perfectly. I think you did that flawlessly with the last stanza and the lines just stay with me long after I've finished reading it. Great write man
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