I was deep in some forest
in Louisiana haunted
by snakes and the picture of you
stepping over the water,
straight through Pandora's box and
the name of all things holy,
to get to me
when I saw the sunlight skitter
on the leaves, just like it did
in 18-something
when the world was soft
and still.
My desire and I met each other
at the brink
of antebellum trees and you
smiled tragically at me,
looking down
as if to say
there was never any war
where we are.
The universe hadn't dreamed
of nighttime
all those years ago,
so we were free
to stand
perfectly
still
in the catastrophe
of Southern romance for an eternity
while the rest of the world
trembled and roared
in the dusk...
I still go there sometimes
when it's dark in the fields and
low rivers of Carolina
to wait for you
Author notes
Yes, it's strange. Anything you write on the band bus on the way to a competition tends to be.
A contest entry
- keep it close by the atlantic.
1750 points, ended November 10, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Something You Care About by Deformed Duck.
700 points, ended October 28, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Finding Beauty in Sadness by Stevie.me.
525 points, ended December 31, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How can I make it better?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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4.5 out of 5
I rated your poem based on 5 criteria with a score of 1 to 5 for each
Use of the five senses- 4 you didn't use alot of them but the ones you did were used very effectively
Metaphors-4.5 very beautiful metaphors
Feeling-5 very moving
Unity- 4 good unity
Flow-5 super job on your flow
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you've evoked a whole mystical landscape here, and peopled it with star-crossed lovers...juxtapositioning of time and place that works for me.
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I love it. Lots. And lots and lots...
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We all have our strange poems. Strange or not this is quite well written.
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Oh shit. Louisiana's ghost is everywhere.
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Wow ! Just wow! This is really good!
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"My desire and I met each other
at the brink
of antebellum trees and you
smiled tragically at me,
looking down
as if to say
there was never any war
where we are."
i usually don't like southern literature. but call me a hypocrite; i liked this one. :]
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Ha, well thanks. See, this is confusing. I don't like Southern Literature either, so I dunno if you can call this southern literature. Really I just find the south beautiful in a tragic, romantic kind of way - and no, I am not a Southern sympathizer. The war is over. The North won.
Just thought I'd better make that clear =]
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