Flickering firelight
licks the last bits of energy
from smoldering embers
Cinders hum like lover’s whispers
cool raindrops
stroke steam.
~*~
Rain drenched
we dash madly across the glade
lust streaming away in the summer storm.
We crush flowers
in our haste to hide
from thunderous clouds
~*~
You curl your hands into my wet locks
seeking to bind me to your world
leaning forward you taste tears
as the moon kisses my face
Trampled jasmine perfumes our feet
its scent haunting my hollows
I turn away
and weep back into the woods
~*~
I dance
in fairy rings and sun beams
their luminescence transforms me
into a shadow of the woman I was with you.
I am young here
eternal
though creases caress my face
these are my moments of lingering beauty
as I dream the dreams of yesterday
A contest entry
- moments of vanishing beauty__ A vignette contest by Cat.
4000 points, ended November 17, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
constructive criticism is desired
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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some lovely sound words here - a beautiful little world created by your words
very nice alliteration strewn through out the piece-
a fine entry in the contest
thank you,
Mary
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Flickering firelight
licks the last bits of energy
from smoldering embers
Cinders hum like lover’s whispers
cool raindrops
stroke steam.
(( nice image setting up this- inviting and the use of licks sets its tone. Cinders hum is a lovely combination and done well here- though i think you may be leading me in too early on lovers-- this whole section would be a beautiful nature setting without 'like lover's whispers'- because you have licks up above and hum in there--- this shows me so there is no need to tell me.))
~*~
Rain drenched
we dash madly across the glade
lust streaming away in the summer storm.
We crush flowers
in our haste to hide
from thunderous clouds
(( I do think that dash and madly clash. I think it is a little redundant. I loved your use of glade and lust streaming in a summer storm ... i get what you want without the away.... i like the comings or goings of it with the stream word. Neat metaphor with streaming and I would leave it as that instead of telling me too much. The use of thunderous clouds was very nice- within eachother a storm builds of passion and its that newness feeling that shyness almost that keeps you hastily hiding.))
~*~
You curl your hands into my wet locks
seeking to bind me to your world
leaning forward you taste tears
as the moon kisses my face
Trampled jasmine perfumes our feet
its scent haunting my hollows
I turn away
and weep back into the woods
((nice image of the hands and locks and tears. i liked the added smell of jasmine- yet the line after could be left at 'haunting my hollows'. you have perfumes prior which already sets up a scent- redundant a bit. with the turn away-- i go right to forbidden loves and not so wanted goodbyes))
~*~
I dance
in fairy rings and sun beams
their luminescence transforms me
into a shadow of the woman I was with you.
I am young here
eternal
though creases caress my face
these are my moments of lingering beauty
as I dream the dreams of yesterday
((interesting use of shadow... usually it is not a good thing to be a shadow of a woman you were with someone but here it is a glimpse of passion to me... where now it ceases. i am confused by 'here'.
i think because you already have me 'there' you could leave it at
'i am young
eternal
creases caress my face'
the creases give me the time passing like an older woman reflecting now on what once was))
thank you for this entry
-
"I am young here
eternal..."
There must be a special place in the heart for that!
-
this is so powerful it put so many images in my mind it was great awesome wright!
-
Rain drenched
we dash madly across the glade
lust streaming away in the summer storm.
Rain drenched
we dash across the glade
lust streaming
in the Summer storm?
We crush flowers beneath our feet
in our haste to hide
from thunderous clouds
Flowers crushed 'neath feet
in our haste to hide
from thunderous clouds?
You curl your hands in my wet locks
seeking to bind me to your world
You lean forward to taste tears
the moon kisses my face
Your fingers curl strands of hair
binding me to your world.
Leaning forward, you taste tears
as the moon kisses my face?
Trampled jasmine perfumes our feet
its scent haunting my hollows
I turn away and weep back into the woods
(you already mentioned feet above)
We trample jasmine
her scent hauning and hollow?
I weep my way back into thick woods?
Hope you are not offended. Hope this helps.
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I'm not offended, but I’m afraid that I can’t use most of your suggestion. Many of them would change some of the nuances of my work in such a way that it would loose something that I want to convey.
For example “lust streaming away in the summer storm.” If I delete the word away it changes the context. It could be taken that our lust was building, instead of being washed away. But, you have made me realize that I might want to revise that, because I wanted to say more. That by washing away the lust we were purified. I don’t think I got there.
Likewise with fingers vs hands curling into hair or curling strands. To me yours is too tame. School girls curl strands of hair around their fingers. My Joe, twists his hands in my hair, it’s more of an act of possession.
You’ve given me some things to think about and I will attend to the double use of the word feet. (I can’t believe, I who pride myself on never making such a faux pas, did that) Thank you for taking the time to make such detailed suggestions.
I hope I haven't offended you. Patti
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In the first part you don't need the words "from them". It read fine without them. A few other places too. You put this together rather well. My only advice would be to remove filler words. If the piece reads better without words like and, but, the, etc...they really are not needed.
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Thank you so much for the suggestions. What was I thinking? I really need to watch that. It's one of my bad habits. I made some revisions. I may make more later, but it's late and I need sleep. Thank you so much. Patti
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