thinking

Today I was thinking about how things used to be. How we used to stay up all night, talking on AIM and drinking together... How we used to do handstands and cartwheels on the lawn in our underwear, just because we could.

I remember how every time things wouldn't go our way, we'd complain about how unjust and awful the world was becoming... Make it seem like the sky was falling.

But now I sit and reminisce, about how things were, and I don't miss them so much. Because after all those times we stayed up and imagined how things would be in the future, now you're stuck on your living room floor, crying about things aren't what we dreamed about.

What were you dreaming about? I know you wanted to glitter and sparkle, and you thought you could touch the sky one day, but every mistake is not the end of the world and every sharp note isn't a death sentence...

I remember, after all of this, the first day that I decided not to eat. When you smiled at me in the lunch room before I ditched my tray and swapped my chocolate milk for water. I remember when I hid a razor behind the battery on my phone, and how people would talk about self-harm as emo and my cheeks would flush with embarrassment and the scars and cuts on my hips would pulse with shame.
[My scars are still shameful].

But when I lie awake now, and I still have to deal with this, I realize that we're still those girls that danced outside in our white dresses, getting grass stains all over them because we were too happy to care. But don't you remember when we promised that beauty wasn't worth all this pain?