The Last Bullet In A One-Shot Derringer

The Last Bullet In A One-Shot Derringer

Put a gun to my head
And ask me why I want to die.

I am a cynic with naïveté to boot.
I struggle with the psychology of ulterior motives.
I am terribly terrified to be alive, and to die.
I am socially crippled. My love cannot sustain me.
So I rely on hermitism.

My frenetic fury is caught up
In whirlwinds of words.
I am hidden in chaotic ire
At the world with no utopian future.

The kerosene burns a lonely fire,
Deserted in a forest.
The flames keep me warm
While I drink moonshine
Not for the inevitable intoxication…
The pain just feels good in my throat.

My mind is supersonic, I can’t think
I can’t calm myself.
Adrenaline pumps into my mind.
My veins hurt. My vision shakes
My voice screams in decibels
The human ear can’t translate.
I’m grabbing my head,
Falling and trembling
Like Parkinson’s.

I am a saturnine aberration
A monochromatic sensation
With no facial expression
In love with a musical bedlam
Drooling insanity pandemonium.
I am a chaotic chorus run amuck
In my head.

I am autistic when I smash my head on desks
And scream because I don’t know what’s wrong.
Because I don’t know who I really am.

Reality struck me like a friend
So something deep within.
My heart cracked
And my mind spun a three-sixty.
I realize I am an inwardly violent schizoid
I am creeper. I am sick.
I am an aphasic recluse.

My world-weary eye sockets are
Jack hammered in like concrete
Screaming at the empty blue skies
Far beyond yonder, far past
God and space, out of time and place.
Away from philosophy and ideology.
Sociology and mob mentality
Past Pavlov and psychology
Beyond laboratories and mathematical equations
Until there is nothing left.

The hammer is pounding
Into empty chambers.
A one-man game
Of Russian Roulette.