The chorus of morning gunfire
awaken from opiated sleep.
Open those bloodshot eyes again,
to the abysmal remains of
home sweet home.
Sanity,
a lost cause.
In this primal world of
kill or be killed.
See the glorified martyrs
bleeding in the gutters. Growing roses
of impossible hope,
and the disarming smiles of death.
Oh what a beautiful morning...
Stolen, your luxury of denial,
in this prison
without walls or fences. As you watch
another poor fucker die alone,
saliva running
down his chin. His mangled body spasms,
to finally lie silent
in the dust and carnage.
Just one more body,
added
to the ever
increasing
stench.
This, your morbid gutter garden
of revolting war and death.
Author notes
Option 3: "Gutter Flowers"
Option 4: Word Bank
Prison
Revolting
Disarm
Martyr
Sanity
Stench
Spasm
Opiate
Saliva
Denial
Abysmal
Fuck
Primal
it took a bit of editing to get this the way i like it, but i think i'm finally satisfied. i've never written anything like this before.
Nymph-Angel
A contest entry
- FEAST YOUR STARVED EYES UPON THIS by Asabouros..
1000 points, ended October 29, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Bloody...I like it!
Sheesh! She never lets up on the grammer issues! Either way, very bloody, and very well done. Many gratz to you!
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It reads exceptionally well. I lost most of my family in the holocaust. "chorus of morning gunfire" was a great way to start. I can see it, feel it... It's been a reality for millions.
Fantastic job of metaphor use.
Reminds me of the film Blackhawk Down... about the war in Somalia... One of my best friends was shipped off to there right after high school... I've never seen or heard from him again....
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Poems are never as good as we want them to be. I suppose poets can sometimes hit the mark and feel elated by what they rendered, but being dissatisfied is a sure sign that you have the right mindset for a writer. I thought the poem was good and enjoyed the lurid imagery. Knowing this is a list poem also increases my respect. Please keep writing.
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A lot of editing has gone into this piece and I think I might finally be satisfied with it. I'm a little bit of a perfectionist.
I'm glad you enjoyed it and will look forward to reading more from you too.
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Oh, I forgot xD Could you break the last stanza into two stanzas? It's too big as it is, I find
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Edited and hopefully improved! Thanks for all the suggestions and critiques.
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Woo! Lovin it. xDDDD Two new things! SORRY!
Why all the periods at the ends of the lines!? *sobs*
aaaaaand, one FINAL suggestion; last stanza, first line,
Maybe it could read:
"Just one more body"
instead of that "another" word???
I adore the title now, very creative, I really do enjoy this piece, as it is, you have a very very nice chance to place!
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Edited yet again! Anything else you'd like to add? I'll be really really really happy if I place. *hint, hint, wink, wink
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Hehe, Happiness noted
Thanks for the changes, you're being very flexible on this! WOOT!
Now...LEAVE IT ALONE! PERFECTION AS IT IS. xDDDDDDDD
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My pleasure. It really helps to have people leave me good constructive criticism. Thanks for all your helpful suggestions and fabulous inspiring promts!
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Hm, I like it, but it could be better.
Spellcheck please, you spelled "martyr" wrong xD
The repetition of "Gutter" doesn't work for this piece, I don't think.
The second line, "Awaken" would do better than "Awakes you" in my opinion.
Could you put a comma after "Sanity"?
In the second stanza, "kill or be killed" should be singled out somehow, maybe italicize it or put it in quotations, or ' baby quotes ' ? (Do NOT question the baby quotes!!!!
)
Lovelorn, doesn't work before martyr, they don't go together in my opinion, find a new adjective?
TOO MANY DOTS!!!!!
ONLY THREEEEEEE
Repetition of 'denial/denied' doesn't work in the first line, last stanza.
"Another" in lines 3 and 7 is too much, change one please.
Instead of "to add" try maybe "added" ?
"And" isn't the right word to begin the second to last line with, it doesn't make much sense, kinda like a fragmented sentence.
Speaking of beginnings, can you go back and not capitalize every line? Capitalization is a must, but I don't like it on every single line.
AND! Maybe could you come up with a more, creative title? Just think about it, will ya?
Of course, All changes are up to you, I'm just saying what I would like personally out of this piece.
But keep in mind, the changes will give you a better shot at a trophy; I like this piece, but it's a little lacking.
Thanks for entering, it was a good read, I'll come back and see about the changes!
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I am in awe, seriously....great freekin poem!
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