A gentle flutter
in summer sun
becomes
frosty flurries
in desert night.
It’s not dominos-
it’s the butterflies...
Why do they play
with our lives?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I like the first line as the title, I think that would work well. I think the curve of the lines went very well with your poem and drew out a whole new light.
This is very well done.
Criss -
Exceptional.
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Wow
I think that is the shortest comment I have ever gotten from you
Thanks -
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You're welcome. Sorry my review was short. The piece was excellent. It's the sort that you might see on a placard at a museum exhibit or on the subway, i.e., something someone would read and say: "This is good poetry. We should share it." Or, the opening piece in an anthology. Or, a chapter heading in a novel. IOW, it's in that thin slice of truly good writing at the tippy top of 'First Rate.' Messing with things that are close to perfection is risky.
It might be slightly better without the first line. That might give the ending a bit more snap (rather like a short story). I'd ask a couple of editors before you changed anything. -
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Coning from you, that is a true compliment. I can't thank you enough. I have thought about changing the first line to the title instead. Do you think that would work?
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Yes.
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Beautifully written......
the alliteration is perfect here
and I love the ending!
Excellent piece
Lynda
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