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walkabout

now and again
when i'm walking down these
black and white streets
with the colorless trees
staring speechless

strangers wander past
slowly become
part of my day
without my desperation
ever crossing their minds

their synthetic roles
play natural life
never alone

i wondered why i was the only one
who would stop and stare
at that red telephone booth

emptiness looked me in the eye
reminding me of
loneliness
i wish i could feel

Author notes

Prompt: Picture prompt 1

http://marksda1.deviantart.com/art/London-Calling-31997687

A contest entry

Constructive criticism, please?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Such a sad write... a screaming loneliness in it, a longing to be noticed. Really excellent take on the picture!


  • notorious gold member
    October 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, so much longer.

    "blurred strangers"
    Maybe make that just 'blurs' to make it vaguer, or just 'strangers'. You choose...or keep it whichever way you like it, just my opinion.

    "slowly becoming apart
    of my day"
    I think you meant "a part" in 2 separate words...
    To make it snappier, maybe change it to:
    "slowly become
    part of my day"

    "their roles slowly become
    a natural part of life
    always with one crowd or the other
    never alone"
    A little repetitive:

    My edits:
    "their roles
    play natural life
    never alone"
    And maybe along the way, make a juxtaposition to 'natural' with 'artificial' or 'synthetic', somewhere...just my idea.

    'crimson'<--wasn't it 'red' before? I think 'red' sounds stronger and snappier...


  • notorious gold member
    October 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Another suggestion (LoL):
    "it's emptiness reminding me of the loneliness"

    Kind of wordy...

    Maybe:
    "emptiness looks me in the eye (or some other personification; you should probably think of your own, maybe)
    reminds me of
    loneliness
    I wish I could feel"

    What do you think?


  • notorious gold member
    October 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love the title.

    'color-less'<--no hyphen needed, get rid of it, por favor.

    "staring wordlessly at me"
    My suggestion would be "staring speechless"...maybe. What do you think?

    I like the intermission 2 lines in between; it feels very introverted and pensive. That ellipsis (...) needs to die. Ellipses always make me think (and yes, this is quite subjective, but yeah) "Notice me! This is a dramatic part!" I think those 2 lines are good enough not to merit an ellipsis.

    'emptiness' 'loneliness'
    Interesting juxtaposition.

    "I wish i would feel"
    Okay...but I think the 'would' should be a 'could', to make it like a capability you don't have, maybe.

    Thanks for entering, Phlegm.
    Tell me if you make editssss.

    Jessica