the floor boards are crusting beneath
my ink stained feet and i am
stepping across them with
a dexterity i didn't know that
i had.
you are clutching a wire frame to your
chest and i just keep saying
"that should be me, that should be me."
while the wind outside is blowing our
thoughts across the sky and
sweeping us up like
children.
i spread my pink sticky fingers
wide across your mouth and i
slip myself across the room so
that you can't
see
my destruction
there are reds and browns and maroons
collapsing and crashed and crushed all around me,
the linoleum is peeling up in the corners and i am
trying to swim across the grass because
i can't find the stars to guide me.
and remember the gravel
that i pushed against your face and
watched it turn
purple and blue and all covered in
the mud that came from underneath
a rock and my
smiley face painted
converse?
/
i singe in this bed,
clutching a curtain to myself and
watching my skin pull back and my
teeth are crumbling with every
word that i attempt to speak.
and all i really want to know is
did it hurt when i cut you off and
you fell and i
just kept on
walking?
Author notes
tinkerbell-or-me
i hope this is what you wanted 
i suck lately, i'm sorry.
i tried for imagery but i might've just came up with crap.
i love you. i shall enter the other tomorrow...
♥
A contest entry
- a place between the cocoons and wrinkles. by bird-mad girl.
1750 points, ended November 19, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
?
Comments
-
I love that first line and how you used the word "crust" bloody fucking brilliant!
I also really adored the last three lines in the second stanza, beautiful!
There was a lot of fantastic imagery in this piece conveying so much sadness and loss. It made me feel so empty and want to cuddle you.
I think in your piece you used words "and" and "that" too many times in your piece. The words that follow the word "and" could start their own line, example:
"my ink stained feet
as I step across them with"
or
"thoughts across the sky
sweeping us up like"
Same with that:
"a dexterity I didn't know
i had"
It gives it a much smoother flow. I hope that helps!
lovelovelove you
PS. for some reason, I don't have you on my favorite anymore D: I don't know how that happened, but I'm adding you back on asap
-
There is an explosion of imagery here and my favorite~color associated with deeper meaning.
This is very abstract and in some places, jagged to the point where many will not come away with a cohesive response or interpretation. A smoothing and some minor toning down on fillers will turn this into a gem. Blue
-
GORGEOUS my love, GORGEOUS!
"i singe in this bed,
clutching a curtain to myself and
watching my skin pull back and my
teeth are crumbling with every
word that i attempt to speak.
and all i really want to know is
did it hurt when i cut you off and
you fell and i
just kept on
walking?"
don't ever stop writing, because I want to always have something amazing to read, and you never fail to make my head spin.
love you!
-
Um, yes, there was definitely imagery. I don't know what you're talking about. Very interesting and vivid story. Probably have to read it over a few more times. I don't think I'm that perceptive, unfortunately. Nevertheless, excellent job.
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