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Goodbye

She lowers her eyes
Oh my god she cries
As she cuts another inch deeper
Sweet releaser
Drifts off into space
To dream of his face
As she says goodbye
And they'll always wonder why....
And maybe for once they will be the ones to cry

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • wakawaka05
    January 6

    Edit | Reply
    This is a very good write. It has a lovely flow. Best of luck in the contest and in future writing. Have a Happy New Year


  • Walk-Free
    January 1

    Edit | Reply
    dark and twisted, but still, there's a sense of a human's fragility in this poem.

    i thought the rhyme added to the hauntingly sad tone of this piece.

    well done


  • Doomteen007
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Dark

    Extremely powerful- you really communicate what you are trying to say well- short but sweet, no dancing around the point.


  • kermie4201
    October 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very sad, but I do like how open you left it for the readers, being that it can be perceived in so many ways. My perception of this is of a girl who is in love but doesnt feel the love in return. And I have to say that my concept of love helps for me to relate to this. I say that because I am a firm beleiver in the idea that if you truly love someone, you just cant find another like that. You could fill the void of the hurt but when it comes down to it, the void only seems to grow over time. Sure, you can "get over it" but the feelings never truly die, and thats what continues the hurt and unanswerable "what if's". I do suggest you change the 2nd line for i think that it pretty much states that she is crying for the first time. But maybe I misconceived that notion, maybe she is crying for reasons she never cried for before. But good write all in all.


    • JustAnOrdinaryGirl
      October 26, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment. It is about a losing a loved one. I meant the second line as in a reaction to the pain she feels. the emotional and the physical pain from cutting.

      Oh my god she cries
      As she cuts another inch deeper

      those two lines were meant to be read together.

1 - 5 of 5