Lying in this coffin
Hands folded to my chest
What you did to me, a sin
Now I'm put to rest
There are people all around me
Staring at my grave
Now you see
I wasn't so brave
I ended my life
To get rid of the pain
Even in death
It still pours like rain
No one ever knew
How I really felt
No one realized I loved you
They didn't know my heart had melt
Lying in this coffin
Hands folded to my chest
What you did to me, a sin
Now I'm put to rest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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In death, no one can hear you scream
I think you should take suggestions put to you below to heart and make some changes, "I'm laid to rest", does sound better. Anyway it's a very good poem, just needs a little more edge/darkness, stir it up a bit and turn it into gold, for the emotions I can feel and overall it's a good write that can be even better.
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the fourth stanza needs work as it alters the flow, but other than that, this is really good.
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i think its really good,just the rhythem doesnt quite flow and just needs a little tweek, now im put to rest, may sound better as now im laid to rest...even in death could flow better as but even in death..this is just my opinion though and i think with the right tweeking it will sound owsome x
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awesome, i love it
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