shameless.

it's stepping out in the sea foam and placing
your legs into the air and just
relaxing as you
fall into that state that means that
everything will soon be okay but right now it
just off kilter and i can't
help myself but
slide into that hole and watch the
leaves stuck in the side of the street and
gape at the cars as they pass by
and mask myself with uneven colors
and just slow down because i need to
stretch my legs a
little and play some
strings and
i need to practice on my feet and i
need to get myself together before i
even try to think about
how i'm going to fix
this hole that we have created inbetween
ourselves.

i am drinking caffeine in
little bundles and shooting it into my
system with the sharp end of
what you say and you are
smiling and she is sitting there
and you are looking at her like---
...
oh god, i can not
do this.
and then i return to your
face and you are
not looking at me like i am
just some useless object that is
placed infront of you for protection from
something that you really aren't afraid of
but must pretend so that they don't think that you are
stronger than them.

it is years and months and i am counting
days to keep me from
biting off all my nails and then
starting on the skin like i did
last time.
my head takes up too much space
and my hands are awkward and i am
silent with my toes pointed at
nothing and you and your arms are around
me and i just feel like i should feel this
but i really don't and i don't know why and i was
just trying to explain that to you
and you couldn't deal with it so you turned away and you
didn't care to try for me anymore.

there is a girl and she is
outside in the rain and i am just
watching her play and she seems so happy
but it is cold and i can see her arms start to form
goose bumps from the chill in the
air and her breath rises in little spirals around her as she
spins and then she falls and she is laying there
like a mannequin and i see her just staring up at the sky and
i can not help but wish that i was
anywhere, anywhere but here.