when i turned to look
for the mirage of christ
in the corner of my eye
trumpets sounded
as the tunnel grew larger
and the instant
before impact
i came to realize
i wasted fifty bucks
on a pistol i’d never
have to use
Author notes
Won bronze in this contest: http://allpoetry.com/contest/2432239
In a list
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Wow. That's really all that can be said.
when i turned to look
for the mirage of christ
Amazing lines. You pretty much blew me away, and I don't say that often.
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Hmm, I get the idea of a guy buying a gun to kill himself or someone else, and then crashing his car in a tunnel? That's just the image I get from this poem, maybe I am too practical and realistic. This was so short, that, it was wonderfull. It told so much in such a short time, yet leaves SO much more up to the reader to interprate. Very well written, even if I don't like the whole "Christ" part. (Jewish here =P)
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i like the way you put your words toghther keep up the good work
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Could have been clever with clever writing. Idea good, however the writing skill is lacking. It doesnt feel like you really try or care about what you write. It all seems that on a whim or boredom you decided to throw some words down. Throw emotion, more pride, or something.
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"It doesnt feel like you really try or care about what you write." -- I can assure you, I care deeply about what I write. I only post what I feel are worthy poems because my standards are so strict. Fortunately, I needn't worry about proving myself to you.
Note: I don't mean to sound bitter, but you might want to take some of your own advice when writing your own poetry.
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Well if that is all true then show it. Such strict standards should demand perfection which I dont see. Not to be rude with everything Im saying. Im just explaing my reaction to your poem.
Note: Oh if thats true then comment on the poem your talking about Id love to hear your thoughts. Otherwise it sounds and is bitter.=) -
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I'd like to think I do show it. One person who doesn't like what I've written out of the many that do is not a very big concern of mine.
I have a busy schedule for the rest of the week; I doubt I'll have time to do any commenting. Perhaps after everything's settled down, but knowing me, I'll have forgotten by then. -
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Haha Quite the ego and if you dont want to comment you dont have to make a lame excuse. lol
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Yeah, because nobody's ever allowed to have a life or things to do away from AP.
I'll comment later, but do not have time to do it now. I need sleep.
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A great concept of irony. Why would the lost fifty bucks wasted even matter to someone no longer here. This is quite a nice twist. I really like how you presented it. Good job. Shancy.
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Nice
Very nice. I have a great liking for you're style.
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You have an interesting style. I appreciate it. It seems to be, ironic.
I am new to this site. Would you do me a favor, and critique my poetry? I would really enjoy advice from someone as prolific and skilled as you appear to be.
I look forward to reading more of your work.
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hmm. tres interesante.
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it is a clever little poem and I like it
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Good
This struck a chord with me because I recently found out that my cancer has turned for the worst. Its strange, but I had a thought similar to this. I wondered if it would be easier to just end it.... because of the pain. That moment I thought to myself, I don't have much time, why waste it trying to end my life sooner? The only thing I can think of... is because you are so good at explaining feelings... put more thought into what you could say, as far as bringing in more feeling. Also the tunnel... there seems to be not much of what the person feels about the tunnel. But what do I know? You write better than me. Overall I liked it. Good job!
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Hmm... "The mirage of christ"...Something that most beings hope to see before they die, something they cherish till death. A anonymous tempting commiting sucide death...was almost made here, but to come back to relize, is a hope of serinity (dont know is i spelled that right).
But all of this overwhelming majority of a short poem with so much meaning, is beautiful.
-misa-
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You, uhhh...might want to go back and re-read that, because it didn't make much sense.
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I know im sorry, its just my thoughts are always in a jumble and i can't always get them out.
I'm a very confused person.
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well, shit son. you posted a poem!
i like that the reader sees with 'double vision', if you will. We imagine a real tunnel that the narrator is driving/walking into..., and the 'tunnel' one is supposed to see when they're near death.
It's visually interesting and complex, which i think it neat for such a short piece.
it's definitely sad. right at death, this man/woman is bitter about trivial things that won't matter.. and it's interesting how the last thoughts are of a gun, an agent of death, - you might call it . talk about nihilism .
you did well, lurker
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