I used to obsess over vanity
So now I'm all alone.
An orphan of society
No place to call my own.
I struggle with my place
Every single day.
Maybe I should move
But I think I have to stay.
Thanks to you I now
Have discipline,
I want so much to thank you,
But I don't know where to begin.
You look at me
Like I committed a crime,
I guess I screwed up majorly,
I really messed up this time.
Your face is filled with malice,
I can see it in your eyes.
I can see right through you, honey,
It's not a good disguise.
Author notes
Word Bank #2
Taking Back Sunday
A contest entry
- Do You Have What It Takes ? by just weak hands.
800 points, ended December 12, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Good poem, and nice use of words... the only thing I'm not too sure about is the rhythm.
Like the first stanza runs with 10, 6, 8 and 6 in the syllable count
2nd: 6, 5, 5 and 7
With rhyming poetry rhythm and flow are pretty important if you want it to reach it's full potential as a poem
Maybe try aiming for 8, 6, 8, 6 or something along those lines.
I do like the poem and you definitely have a way with words!
Good luck in the contest!
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Just thought id add that i love panic in the disco cuz it was in a comment
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Gah! I do too! Definately one of my favorite bands!
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Absolutley amazing!
i love it! spelling mistake: "you face is filled with malice" should be "your face is filled with malice" i loved your poetical devices, i love your vocabulary. the last stanza it wonderful. its a great read and an even better write well done. xx -
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Thank you for telling me about the mistake! I tend to make a lot of them when I type these out. My mind moves faster than my fingers!!! Lol.
Thanks for the comment!
McCaylee
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omfg if this isn't amazingg ?!
wow when i read this, i was amazed
seriously ! you really write like i do. this poem is like, a mirrored image of my own.
the ending is killerrrr ! i love it. the rhyming is benissimo ! [Italian, sorry xD means 'excellent'] all in all, a great write and a wonderful entry. thanks for entering and best of luck :]
[please put Taking Back Sunday x Panic At The Disco in your AN... it was in the rules ;] also check the fourth stanza- 'goes' should be 'guess'. sorry, i'm a bit of a grammar perfectionist]
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I like the rhyme! awesome, good luck in the contest. Keep up the great writes. <3
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