A convent flower forced to grow up-right
Was bound from birth to stakes of dogma steel
And faith-blinded to possibility
Other than man's chattel; mere vessel
For accepted values, needs denied.
The hard oak pews, kneelers, and rosary bead
Hurdles, that counted penance as prayers
Answered in drips, your only nourishment,
To form a straight back, but starved, broken will.
The twists concealed; a subtle coercion.
A bud, rife with envy sprang forth, want devised.
This blossom, selfish smooth tissue petals
Was guilt scars bound, never fully open.
The potential glorious golden rose
Withered young, to poison stem and offspring
Yet even in my loathing, I pity.
A feral flower myself, studying you.
Author notes
POW Contest The Cycle of Abuse
A contest entry
- - Poem of the Week - by Bear - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended October 25, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love constructive critism, please indulge.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hello and welcome to POW.
Wow, you have some really great thoughts and imagery in this one. I agree with bear that capitalizing all letters really throws you off, especially in your write where one line leads directly into the other.. I did find certain parts of it a bit choppy that I think could be easily remedied.. for instance in line 4, starting it off simply as "mere vessel" sounds strange and makes the flow choppy for me, simply adding an "a" in front of it clears it all up. (which I did mentally while reading it). I'll go to the board:
Title - 6.0.. I don't like the title at all. this piece deserves something a bit more serious, and I actually read the poem before the title, and I couldn't believe you chose that as the title.
Flow - 8.8.. a bit choppy for me at certain points, but overall was good.
Depth - 9.9.. awesome depth!
Theme - 8.9.. I've seen this countless times, a bit used up for PO' contests standards, we like to see original, almost wacky out of the box stuff.
Feelings - 9.6.. great feelings.
Grammar - 9.5.. looks good to me.
Presentation 9.4.. nice, I like it.
Uncommonness - 8.5.. not so uncommon.
Sit & Ponder Affect - 9.5.. I pondered a bit
Ability to follow Rules - 10 - nicely done.
Total: 90.1
not a bad score at all
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Hi, and welcome to the POW for 10/24/08
This is a well-crafted, well thought out write. Excellent use of language, great imagery.
The theme is not unusual, but you have approached it in what I feel is a unique manner. I think that the title does not carry the same power as the write, and would suggest that after judging you try for a title with more impact, to enhance the strength of the write itself.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
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Hello
Another fantastic write.....lots to ponder here ~
No capping each line....perse' rules, unless it is required ~
Capping each line can ruin a great Flow.....and after reading with knowledge of up-coming CAPS, I find a wondeful Flow hidden
Lots of great mets to play off of.....lots of imagery to sustain this write.....lots of vision for me to grasp on to.....very nice
Not much to critique here.....I believe you are in the top 3......so far....as I have 3 more to read.....goodluck & God bless you fopr supporting this POW this week,
....make sure you use the White background and ONLY black Font next time......greyish blue is accepted until you learn how to get the white......go into edit, and click white background
Bear ~
Title 8.5...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Flow 9.2....watch for all CAPS, which can ruin a good flow
-Depth 9.5....lots of depth....-
Theme 6.9...I have seen this Theme many times on AP -
Feelings 9.5....I was engaged in your personification -
Grammar 9.65....simple, yet affective -
Presentation 9.5...not bad....break up your stanzas a bit more....only MO -
Uncommonness 8.0....have seen this before several times -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.9...I did ponder, for sure -
Ability to follow Rules 10....but, try for the white background next time
-Bears Score: 90.65
Best score .......so far.....good luck & God bless you!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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You have a great idea here & it is starting to take shape. I am finding the syntax strange again though. The scan is improving. The first stanza works the best. This has a hell of a lot going for it, but I would try & pare it down a bit. This is just an idea, I chose the first verse, but it is only a suggestion. I hope you don't mind me taking the liberty ...
Forced upright grown convent flower
Staked at birth with dogma steel
Faith blinded to possibilities
Other than as a chattel, vessel
For accepted values; needs denied.
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Wow! so much more clear and less wordy. A billizon thanks.
The thing is that syntax is like an accent. If it is what I'm used to I can't identify it. Could you please be spicific in pointing out my misuse so that I may learn from my errors? I haven't gotten this back from class but I wonder if Phd. David will have the same good advice. Please,take what ever liberities you can endure. -
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I think that is primarily the problem. I find some American syntax difficult to understand. If it sounds OK to you it is probably fine. I have noticed that sometimes prepositions are dropped in US colloquial English. 'I will write you when I get there' for example. The 'to' missing between the verb 'write' & the pronoun sounds awkward to the English.
One thing I will say; you have these great ideas & stories which you make into poems. Don't try to write a short story but make it into a poem. Unless you are doing that on purpose. In which case it's OK.
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