I'd like to be anywhere but here,
somewhere far, and no where near
this place that overly intensifies
my need, and my longing to be one with the skies.
I want to be above the clouds,
away from streets, and noise, and crowds.
I'd like to spread my wings and soar,
away from this life that seems such a bore.
I need to look down on the Earth,
avoid its life, its death, its birth,
run away from the end as it draws near,
ascend to the Sun, where promise is clear.
Up past Mars and Pluto I'll go,
further and further, until soil turns to snow.
I'll search for existence that's better than this,
better than shadows, and darkness, abyss.
I can make it, my wings are strong,
though the journey is tough, and the way is long.
My motive will keep me up with the breeze,
where I can view planets, their forests, and seas.
I'll gain more wisdom with my eyes, my sight,
and make myself able, with eternal flight.
Death can't keep up, and although it tries,
the light will make clear to me all of its lies.
So here I start, with my feathers spread,
to a land where I won't be better off dead,
to a point far away, away from here,
a domain where intention is always clear.
Now! To that place! The one up above,
the world that is filled with acceptance, and love
the Earth that exists above the Sun,
where the light and I can live together as one.
Comments
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you have excellent rhyme.
I only wish this was a darker poem than a hopeful one - but it's still really really good.
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In line two, "but" should be changed to "and" since the first half of the conjunction agrees with the second half. Use "but" where there are contrasting notions--"I'd like to do this but I'll be broke if I do."
Line four you've got a typo: "one with the [the] skies."
I don't suppose I should humor you by physically describing how hostile the other planets are to human life with Mars being the possible exception! Finding solace in the ammonia atmosphere of Jupiter with gravity twelve (I believe) times our own and a couple of hundred degrees cooler, well, it makes East St. Louis look like paradise by comparison.
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Thank you for reading, and for recognizing and pointing out my mistakes.
Not many people do thus.
As for your 'humor' I do not need it, in fact I took offense.
If you disagree with something I've stated, that's too bad.
Don't read it, don't heed what I've said.
It's your personal choice.
I wasn't discussing living on another planet, I only described me wish to be away from this one.
Wherever that might be.
It's a dream, no more.
Don't crush it.
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wow....if i didn't know any better i would have guessed you were older than your projected age, because this poem was pure and strong and hopeful. it had some very powerful imagery and it didn't break from its original rhythm. it all seemed to come together wonderfully and the breaks in stanzas were put in at the right moments. all in all it transitioned well. great job and good luck with your future musings.
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sound like a wonderful dream, one can hold it into their mind and give us something to hope for. an escape from the world and all that it brings, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest.
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I love it!!!! This is truly well written!!
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this is gorgeous. it strikes me as a sublime and mystical statement, and it filled me with a beautiful sense of climbing to seek something higher, a unity with something greater, "where the light and i can live as one," and a glimpse of achieving it.
this place that overly intensifies
my need, and my longing to be one with the the skies.
beautiful and near-perfect. many kudos
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You are fantastically awesome!!
This... has lost me for words... I couldn't stop reading, i could feel myself flying away from all the pain, oh how much i want to be able to fly away but don't we all, this poem was outstanding, magnificant and breathtaking well well done!!
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This poem kept me reading, and reading. It's simple but the wording is amazingly deep. Good luck on the contest.
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I really liked this write. You did a wonderful job at imagery and taking the reader with you. Great!
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Great rhyme! I love the feeling and the title. I think we all want something like this. Good job!
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Hey, great poem, I agree with others that the rhymes sounded natural throughout, and I loved the imagery. I'd only suggest tightening up the meter into something more regular; with a rhyming poem that's a help.
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Very good. I really enjoyed the thought or flying away. It seems like you would be at peace. The rhyme is great not forced and it flows quite nicely. All in all well done. I truly enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing and keep it up
Stephanie -
Very floaty feel to this write. Made me think of an eagle soaring upwards. Lovely imagery. Thank you for sharing.
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Well I am really taken aback with the immageries of this great write ..this enhances the strength of the
concept chosen for the write..well done.. -
Ligeia, this is a lovely poem
thankyou for sharing it with us
nice to meet you
moon2u
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Firstly, your rhyming makes this a pleasure from the start.
'This place that overly intensifies...' is something we all can relate to. It's a natural desire for something greater, those sensitive to it are blessed and cursed to follow their hearts.
The next three stanzas are a journey in themselves...'until soil turns to snow....better than shadows, darkness abyss...' nice rhythm and description.
Following that we have a firm conviction to see through the darkness of life and all its illusions...to be at one with the unreachable so the near will be far, and as small as it really is.
The final stanza is special. It's triumphant and true - 'the Earth that exists above the Sun...' and leaves us hoping that we are on the right path in this twisted maze of society and fear.
Very thoughtful, and good luck.
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Thank you so much!
Your comment was lovely, it made my day.
I appreciate that you took the time to read my writing,
it means a lot to me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
My regards, many of them.
Emily.
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Excellent
Frankly, this poem is really rather exceptional in just about every respect. Excellent rhyme, the meter, while not perfect is extremely good, and the "voice" oh, that voice is perfect! You have struck exactly the right note throughout this beautiful poem. It is full of sad longing (no crying and no woe-is-me as is so often heard). The poem possesses maturity which not a whole lot of poets are able to convey, at any age! Oh, did I say I loved it? I do.
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that rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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