(Breathe In)
Through the solid bricks that
slowly crush my scarred lungs.
Petty laughter and thoughtless
words race in a twister, making
life seem so thoughtless and surreal.
Robot words pour from my
cracked lips meant to comfort
the drooping faces that crowd
around me. Confusion melts in the
air with the weight of candlewax and
though I try, I can only spout empty words.
(Breath Out)
Even though in the end it
won't do anything. The night
falls darker every day and time
will still go by like an out of control
car. This niche slowly becomes my noose.
Automatic gestures for every
minute repeat like a scratched
vinyl record until its a continuos
buzz in my mind. These worn out
parts of me will soon lay down, to
emaciated into a chipped skeleton
and be bleached pearl by the harsh sun.
Author notes
This is life; too many harsh words and repeated scenes. Too much stress and the twisted gnarled fingers of reality.
I have a hard time describing how I feel anymore I made myself incapable.
A contest entry
- What Are You Feeling Inside? by Heavens Child.
550 points, ended October 28, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be Brutally Honest, Loves
Comments
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I must agree, I really like how you separated breathe in and breathe out. It was as if I could feel myself doing that as I read the poem. Also the imagery is very well done, fresh and unique. Best wishes and thank you for entering.
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I loved how you put the "breathe in" and "breathe out" in brackets. It made it feel small and breezy, wispy almost. It was like air that slips through your fingers.
Also, the second stanzas in each part both start with mechanical words: "robot" and "automatic." I liked that. I don't know if those were your intentions but it made me think the narrator is a machine functioned to breathe in and out slowly, as if its soul is coming out and then back in. There were also similarities in the stanzas and they seemed to be saying similar things but from different perspectives.
The first two stanzas of each also flowed in that same vein: there was a similarity but differences in the way they were written as if two different people came up with the before and after stanzas. I thought that was clever.
I love you honeybean.
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Oh gosh. Is everything ok dear?
You know you can always talk to me. You know, I really liked this, I read it a few times through, and it really made a lot of sense to me. I really liked the (Breathe in) part. You certainly haven't lost your talent. 
Best of luck in the contest love.
Take care
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