Fall Music by starwing at All poetry

Thermal underwear whipping with abandon
on a clear October morning.

Chapped and gnarled fingers
moving in quiet concert.

Orchestrated clothespins
laying down the arrangement.

Nylon strings containing the composition
of washday boogie.

Staccato tapping by bluejay

accenting the percussion.

Woodwinds interpreted by

birch and oak.

This is the instrumental score,
conducted anonymously

by woman two doors down.

Author notes

POW contest I was going to elaborate and add a few more lines but my muse screamed at me *sniff* so here/hear you have it...

In a list

challenges • next in list

A contest entry

- Poem of the Week - by Bear - by Arkbear. 1000 points, ended October 25, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest

What did you think

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
starwing
October 26, 2008
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Thanks everyone... Bear... I can't believe it! ... also i wish i could see the border everyone mentioned... because as far as i knew i didn't have one... but every page i load now does have a magenta? edge.... strange... anyhoo.. thanks everyone for the wonderful comments and extremely helpful critiques... peace and s to you all.... desi
Arkbear
October 25, 2008
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...editing your score....Wrinkling Mind caught me on a mistake.....I forgot your *Flow* category

Thanks WM!

....sorry Desiree!
aaaaaaaa
October 25, 2008

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Hello and welcome to POW

You have 6 lovely thoughts filled with imagery and beauty in your 6 couplets, but it almost feels like they're separate thoughts. Like this is just the outline to a poem, or how I might write down what I want to put in a poem, and then I'd tie them all together. This is of course IMO, and the impression I got when I read it.

Besides that everything was great, except for the last line.. a woman, the woman, women.. all would make sense.

I don't have much else to say or critique so on to my board:

Title - 9.0.. it's not bad, not great, kinda in the middle for me.

Flow - 9.0.. the flow inside each couplet was great, but the transition from couplet to couplet really suffered IMO. still good enough for a relatively high score though.

Depth - 9.6.. great depth!

Theme - 9.3.. you didn't add a theme to your author notes but I can pretty much gather what the theme is. like bear said, it's common but you added some new spice to it.

Feelings - 9.3.. good job here, you took me on a ride through this piece.

Grammar - 9.4 - great.

Presentation - 8.8 - I think you could have tied the couplets together to create more fluidity and flow. It seemed too choppy dancing from separate thoughts in this form.

Uncommonness - 9.3 - new spice to something common, therefore less common

Sit & Ponder Affect - 9.3... a bit.

Ability to follow Rules - 9.0 - border + left out info in AN.

Total: 92

Great job. best score so far I think for me
NeonRose
October 24, 2008

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Hi, and welcome to the POW for 10/24/08

I really enjoyed reading this poem. Lots of imagery and great use of language to paint a splendid visual treat.

My only personal criticism would be in the last line, where I would like to have seen a 'filler' word. Either 'the woman' or 'a woman' would have read better for me.

I also think I would have formatted this in one, perhaps two, stanzas, instead of chopping it into couplets...but the overall impact is pleasing, even in this format.

My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!

Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.
Arkbear
October 24, 2008

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Best write so far.....lovely imagery......not a fan of center-align.....let's left-align it for better flow

Thermal underwear whipping with abandon
on a clear October morning.

Chapped and gnarled fingers
moving in quiet concert.

Orchestrated clothespins
laying down the arrangement.

Nylon strings containing the composition
of washday boogie.

Staccato tapping by bluejay

accenting the percussion.

Woodwinds interpreted by

birch and oak.

This is the instrumental score,
conducted anonymously

by woman two doors down.

Not really a fan of all couplets, however, you managed to bring such vison and thought into each....nicely done

Borders ar NOT allowed.....deduction there

Some really pretty lines to adore ~

I liked this write.....I felt like reading it a few more times to enjoy every word.....good luck & God bless you!

Bear ~

Title   7.85...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre -

Flow 9.4....I am impressed by your ability to keep movement in your words....even with simple coupletrs, you managed to do it within one long, or two short breaths-

Depth   9.8....mmm...lots of depth...very nice -

Theme 9.2...Nicely chosen.....seen this type of Theme before, but your fresh approach is nice -

Feelings   9.5....I was engaged in your personification -

Grammar   9.85....lovely & affective -

Presentation 9.4...usually not a fan of left-align, but your Tone kept me ingrossed -

Uncommonness 9.7...unique with fresh approach -

Sit & Ponder Affect 9.9...I did ponder, for sure -

Ability to follow Rules  9.5...watch for no backgrounds -

Bears Score: 94.1

Not bad

Good luck & no ediitng until after contest or after a Judge touches your work ~