You’re dressed in white, always dressed in damn white, irritating, impeccably clean white. I don’t know how you keep it so clean. By the time I’ve left home in the morning I’m coffee stained and covered in cornflake crumbs. You however appear to be immune to the perils of breakfast. Maybe you just don’t have any, no; you are far too straight-laced, too sensible, most definitely a “breakfast is the most important meal of the day” type of fellow.
You greet me with your standard “Hello, and how are you this morning?” You voice seemingly sincere but suspiciously absent of the normal features of morning speech. Normal humans slur before 8am, their sentences merge into an enormous word to be deconstructed at the listener’s leisure, or not as the inclination may be. Every syllable of your words is pronounced perfectly, reaching a level of linguistic perfection reserved for books on tape and the BBC News. I shall call you Mr. BBC, but only to myself, creating nicknames is “childish” and one must not break adult social norms, at least not publicly.
It takes a tragic ten minutes to undo the fashion façade that I had carefully constructed that morning in preparation of this visit. A perfect matching ensemble co-ordinated to project an image of composure and confidence. Ten minutes and the make up is gone, the clothes carefully folded and placed on the floor, if you weren’t here they would be heaped and thrown in the corner but I feel obliged to be obsessively neat around you as if untidiness would some how sully your aura.
I wonder if you’re always like this, so formal and disconnected. So passive. I doubt it; I think I make you uncomfortable, that this formality is a defence against my chaos and unpredictability. Ironic that we each end up acting to suit the other and neither of us can be ourselves, thankfully we aren’t permanent. This is just another temporary situation, another bump in the road to be smoothed out and attributed to youthful follies and fate.
You’ve seated yourself in a chair; legs crossed making you look effeminately handsome, like a neat little package. You’re not the one that is here to be unwrapped though. I wish I were more prepared for this, but how to prepare for the unexpected, the unplanned, uncharted territory. I’ve only met you a few times before today; each for several painfully short minutes that seemed to drag until they were up and their brevity became all too apparent. This encounter will last longer, I just know it, it’ll be painfully awkward for me, and you’ll be suave, collected and above all professional.
I can’t look at you, averting your gaze away from me directing it at anything else; I can’t look at you trying not to look at me. I trace your gaze; track it to the walls, the floor, the door. All uniform and sterile, what’s that they say about inhabitants adapting to their environment? You should get out of here more often. Chameleon for comfort, no predators, no threat, just comfort and monotony. Mere minutes have passed since you entered, you’re settled and ready to begin; your gaze finally meets mine. A smile, purely out of obligation, I think it is meant to be comforting. A small cough, to make sure I’m listening.
“Shall we begin?”
“Yes, Doctor.”
Author notes
SOM Contest
A contest entry
- - Short Story of the Week - by Bear - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended October 26, 2008, 3 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Hello
So nice of you to join us in the SOW this week ~
I have to agree with my other Judges on several things.....such as more dialouge between the parties, even if the Doc was not listening.....as most really are not
I found imagery....feelings....sound....touch and a sense of longing from your character....I do not believe I would touch much about this write.....I actually enjoyed it
I do believe your SS Format is a tad off in order.....as you did not produce a setting earlier on, and your conclusion could have had more impact....leaving me with a..."wow".....but as we alll know, a Doctors office, (psychiatrist) is not the place to have much comotion going on.....so other than those couple of areas, I think you did a fine job ~
Yes, there were places like....( make-up).......You....comma....however.....commmma.....appear to.>>>>
.....let your Readers see your Tone, set by properly placed punc.'s......this will allow your Reader to not get ahead of your thoughts and keep them in-line with your Tone......nice *balance* of show & tell as well.....very nice......good luck & God bless you!
Bear ~
Title...I would not click on this Title, unless I wanted to read about this genre -
Intro...7.85.....impressed with your intro, but info pertaining to Setting was slow....give me a setting earlier in a SS Format -
Body....8.7....focusing on subject is nice, and giving Readers a tad more to *look* at in a SS Format is crucial -
Rules....9.0...Theme in AN's....and Background...filler words are kept to a minimum....nice!
Theme...9.85....nice focus.... lots of info in each paragraph -
Grammar...9.2.....simple, yet kept my attention very well-
Summary...8.2.....I believe you could have summarized better, but not bad -
Movement....9.8...absolutely wonderful movement -
Conclusion...6.75..conclusion is weak -
Creativeness..9.15.....I will be looking for more creativity in the future, but this is good for common Scenarios -
Punc/Grammar...9.0..use more punc, to slow your Readers down -
Bears score: 87.5
Nice job!
No editing until after contest, or after a Judge touches your work ~
-
Welcome to SOW!
Hello and welcome,
First i must say i did enjoy this story.
Although as my Co Judge mentioned a couple of rules were broken,always white background (for your future entries)
I liked your attention to the small details, actually i felt like i was with you. Maybe because i have been to so many Doctors i understood completely!
I wished there had been alittle more dialogue because really there is none.Only a few lines was there any talking between the two of you.
I can't say whether this adds to how your story is presented because that is most of how Doctors are.
A well done write!
My final scores will be up at final judging.
Remember no editing after a judge has commented.
Thank you for entering!
~Lisa~
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Hello & Welcome to SOW~
Just a couple details I wish to address off the top:
our rules for the contest ask for your theme mentioned in the Author Notes, and a white background.
I found this story, which (to me) seems to be a continuous rant/thought in your head, confusing at first (as a comment mentioned below), but was summed up in the last two lines. I like twist/surprise endings, but I do believe that perhaps some exchange outside the narrator's mind would be helpful. Part of building a story is to lay a foundation on which to build, and I feel that because everything was weighing on the punchline at the end that some details were intentionally missing ~ which, in some instances, is alright, but for some reason it left me wondering who you were refering to with "who," what (theme in AN), where your story was taking place (setting), when isn't necessary, nor, really, is why (the punch is being at the doctor's office, not the reason why you're there).I understand this is about the moments before an examination, I just feel that this could use some exterior coloring as well. Let me mention, though, that your attention to detail is noted, I was receiving many vivid images.
Please do not edit your story or any parts of this page until after all judging is complete & shinies have been awarded. My scores will be included in the final notes.
Thank you & best wishes in this week's SOW~
Tim
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Very cute...I didn't see where this was going at first. Nicely done. Best in contest!
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