I have this thing for this boy,
He is so cute,
And is in my year.
He doesn't go to my school,
I saw him a couple of days ago,
Oh how I luv him.
Author notes
This boy I met ages ago and I don't think he even notices me around my BEST MATE!!!
What are the good points and bad points. How can I improve.
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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I'm terrible with punctuation, but I believe you may have put comma's where they do not belong. Someone else could tell you exactly where they go.
The poem is cute and sweet. I agree with some of the comments that maybe you could add a few more descriptive words about the boy, and perhaps more about the way you feel about him.
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Short and simple, could flow a bit nicer, but it also works as a raw poem. Boys are always a good topic to write about. Best of luck in your love endeavors.
Good job.
~Menna
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Short and simple. I like it
Yeaa, i agree with EiramDK that you should describe this person and maybe describe that emotion more. Keep writing ya. Cheers!! 
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Try describing how he is so cute. That would bring the reader into your heart and your eyes, therefore enabling your readers to feel what you feel..THE DEEP LONGING AND HOPE THAT ONE DAY HE WILL FINALLY SEE YOU THE WAY YOU WANT HIM TO.
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From The Critical Reviews (2) Group:
Well, this is certainly a small cute little tidbit, but I think it would be better to expand and show the reader more, involve them because they are more of a bystander overhearing a conversation between you and your best mate.
Thank you for sharing.
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This cuts down to the heart
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X-( I liked this but it needs a bit more thought
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I think this poem was cute, forget about the boy!!
But for me I'd probably make it a bit longer, add a bit more detail and change the last line in the second stanza to make it more clear what you're saying.
CUTE though, well done.
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Outstanding
I think Yottas right and you need to expand on your feelings about him. You expressed your emotions very well. Maybe you could write another poem about him. I thought you captured a sense of a crush very well in the last line of the poem. Maybe you could add a couple more stanzas as to why you like him so much, what makes him special?
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Hello. I’m with Critical Reviewers Two and you are on my list of poets who want advice about editing their poems.
I don’t know that I would change anything about it. It pretty much is what it is.
MAYBE you might want to say “and is in my year”, another way because not everyone (me for example) knows what that means.
Good luck with your writing and with your mate.
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Its not weird, short and simple is in my view, very genuine, touching and intriguing.
but, COMMON, I want to know so much more about this mystery man!
How does he look like?
Where did you first see him?
How do you feel when you see him?
Does your heart skip a beat?
Do feel Goosebumps all over your skin?
Would you give him up for your best mate?
These questions are just some “jump starts“;
expand your poem, let your emotions SCREAM their way out of you!
I’m looking to see more out of this, so much potential!!… I challenge you to set the roof on fire maximum
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aww... this is so cute. so short, simple and you got your message across. i know this feeling, been through it. its rather confusing i gotta say, but lter a while, you'll get over it. keep penning cute background too.. hahas.
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Guess what. HE'S THE COLLABORATOR.
HIS NAME IS IGUANA54.
DON'T TELL ANYONE
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wots a collaborator...
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How should i know. I think they can edit poems
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Aww, I know exactly how you feel. It's hard when you like someone but don't see them very much. You did a good job of making the reader feel like they could relate, because I'm sure at least most of us can! Next, I wanted you to go into more detail though about this--where did you meet, why do you like him, et cetera. You seemed to end abruptly, but I'd like you to carry on instead of leaving us hanging since you've got a lot to work with! Keep up the writing.
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How did I manage to be a collaborator? Never mind. And you should just get to know him a bit better before you ask him out, you've only met him twice! But I won't get in your way, I love him like a brother, not a boyfriend in case you were wondering.
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=]
jai amustant =D
very sweet. why dont you jst tell him? and if he's after your best mate, dont worry just chase after his. lol xxxx v. good xx
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This poem looks wierd but please try to say ur view
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hiya annie,
ok, i get v picture. u write oems, i have violent swearing fits. its the same fing, just different format. c u @ ice skating
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