Whiskers twitching, eyes intense, all her senses linked.
Silent as a shadow, she’s guided by instinct
as she seeks out her next meal, tasting every breath.
She moves then darts then pauses, alert for threats of death.
There, within the tangled grass, lies a small acorn.
She eyes it very cautiously, feeling a bit torn
about the open area and how she’d be exposed.
Her need drives her forward; her intuition is opposed.
A shadow darkens sunlight. She freezes in her place.
She’s lucky, it’s a windblown leaf drifting above her space.
She quickly grabs the morsel and pulls it out of sight.
She’ll fill her pouches promptly. She will eat tonight.
An outlined form, a scent, a sound, guide her toward her nest
as she threads her way toward safety and a place to rest.
Tightly coiled, dark eyes track her scampering retreat.
Through a lipless mouth its tongue revels in the heat.
A blur of movement as it strikes, the snake moves like an arrow
but something has forewarned the mouse and the miss is narrow.
The need for stealth is past and her reaction quite dramatic
as adrenaline kicks in and her response is automatic.
In a burrow ‘neath the garden shed, she’s greeted by a twitter.
She moves and curls protectively around her tiny litter.
It’s a drama most overlook which can be seen in her arrival
as she celebrates one small victory in the simple act of survival.
Author notes
*POW Contest*
Theme: Lessons from Nature; the small vignettes that we often overlook give perspective on our own lives.
If you need a visual, which is not allowed here, try: http://dainthomas.deviantart.com/art/Field-mouse-2-49516620
No more than 25 lines
A contest entry
- - Poem of the Week - by Bear - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended October 25, 2008, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Comments Always Welcome but I Won't Turn Down Fluffy One's Either :D
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Congratulations on the Bronze Trophy.
I really enjoyed this poem. I read this btw when I wasn't fully awake and I knew what you were talking about.. which for me in that state is pretty good. so I didn't need to look at the pic. I noticed that it mentioned about the link. I didn't personally think it was problem to have it there but hey that's me.. I'm odd like that.. lol I like how you did this from the perspective of the field mouse, I found it interesting and different.. I think that different perspectives is a good thing to have and to know about, no matter if its from a person point of view or an animals.
I think that you did an outstanding job with this poem.
kat
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Welcome again to POW
I really enjoyed reading this. I always love story type poems, especially from a perspective I don't normally have or think about such as a mouses.
"She moves then darts then pauses, alert for threats of death."
You have two "then's" right next to each other in this line. I would suggest not to do that, and it's not even necessary. All you have to do is find a two syllable word to replace "moves then" such as:
"She quickly darts/moves then pauses, alert for threats of death."
"She’s lucky, it’s a windblown leaf drifting above her space."
This above is kinda awkward. Sometimes it's hard to find a word that fits in a rhyme scheme, and if so, then change the other word, or in this case "place", to something else. Never settle for anything awkward even if it makes sense.
"She’ll fill her pouches promptly. She will eat tonight."
The above is fine, but I think if you could find a way to connect these it would read much better.
I love the ending to it, it makes me want to stand up and cheer for the little mouse
A very enjoyable and light read ^_^ thanks for entering. Here's my board:
Title - 9.0... it's not bad, but I think you could have come up with something better.
Flow - 9.5... not bad, there were some problem areas for me but overall it was very nice, especially since you were basically telling a story, so excellent job.
Depth - 9.0... no real depth, but what depth can be tapped into unless you stray from your narrative.
Theme - 9.2... it was a light theme, but also not very original.
Feelings - 9.5.. I thought you conveyed the mouses emotions very well, especially when he was apprehensive about getting the nut, and towards the end. Good job with this.
Grammar - 9.2... no major mistakes. A few times I felt like there were better options though, like when you end a sentence mid line, and continue with another sentence. Would've been better to just connect them.
Presentation - 9.5.. nothing I can fault you with, I usually write in quatrains myself.
Uncommonness - 8.8
Sit & Ponder Affect - 8.9... didn't really ponder about anything.
Ability to follow Rules - 9.5
Total: 92.1
Not a bad score, good luck.
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Hi, and welcome to the POW for 10/24/08.
I personally like a poem that tells a story, and this was a great tale. The rhyme scheme was adhered to nicely, without seeming forced. The meter suffered a bit in some lines, but overall was well crafted also.
Bear is right, no pics allowed, and really, in this case, the write is very visual...it does not need to be augmented.
Your theme is not unique, which is something the PO' series values, and which is becoming more and more difficult to achieve! The title is good, but not overly inventive.
Grammar, structure, flow and impact all seem to be of good standard or above.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hello
Well, as beautiful as this *Story* is, with your imagery bringing me into your thoughts and your visons opening up my senses, to hear, feel, and touch your words, I have to say this is more Prose' than Poetic vibe/tone ~
I have to agree with Bill, this is a story told......however, because of your rhyme scheme, you have managed to keep it from totally going over into Story format.....but not too far off
I enjoyed this piece a lot.....and giving a link to a pic (graphic) is also bending the Rules a tad bit, as there should be none to gaze at......your write should stand on its' own.....no graphics allowed, perse' Rules ~
Over-all....lovely job....thank you for suporting the POW this week
God bless you!
Bear ~
Title...8.5...Nothing to really grab me.....not powerful, but not flat..-
Flow 9.75...excellent job here...read as Prose', but still good flow -
Depth 9.85....nice depth...would have liked to of seen this more Poetic -
Theme 8.2....not a lot of depth.....I have seen all of this in my lifetime -
Feelings 9.0....not as powerful as I think your talent can give -
Grammar 9.0....pretty straight-forward...not a lot stood out as fresh-
Presentation ....8.7...as I have said in many past POW's...not a fan of all quatrains unless required by form -
Uncommonness 8.75...already talked about this in *Theme* -
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.5...I did not ponder.....pretty easy Theme....looking for more creativity -
Ability to follow Rules 9.5...links to graphics are the same as including graphics....even if the Reader chooses NOT to look at it, it is still provided -
Bears Score: 89.75
Not bad.....just break out that Creativity quill next time
God bless you!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I really enjoyed the story you told in this piece Most of the rhyme and flow was pretty good other than what I have noted below i think it's a great poem Bill
This line kills the poem in my opinion
It’s not a predator, it’s just a leaf in space.
Might want to consider this one instead:Sparrow Hawk misses her, by Mother Natures Grace
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Hmmm and I thought the last line sucked
but now that you mention it... you're right Ahhh the search for perfection never ends 
Thanks...
Ken
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This is really good, not much more than that can be said. Cheers and Good luck in contest. UNT
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inspiring write. . mouses are so sweet . . liked "tasting every breath" and "One small victory celebrated" . . good luck in the contest
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Wow I really liked that. The descriptions were full and popped out at me. Your rhyme scheme was a little forced but some of the words I would not have been able to rhyme and make sense so you did great there.
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Aye, this truly be a cute wee mouse. somethin' to be smilin' over really. a lovely write, with surprising depth.
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