I've never been like them,
Never had the perfect body,
or the unblemished skin,
Never felt the kiss,
of unshed love against skin.
Thoughts race through my mind.
I just need to get away.
Step into the chilly water,
Goosebumps rise from my calves-
I've always been a good swimmer...
Dive head first,
rocketing into the waves,
Mind breaking free,
of the self made pity party
that consumes my thoughts.
Cut through water like a knife
of untamed flesh.
Further and further
The shore seeps away,
playing hide and seek with the waters edge,
Treading water,
Watching,
Waiting...
Still unnoticed.
Arms feel heavy with Lead,
weighing me down,
water glides up
the curves of my neck,
Splashing loudly in my ears
slowly sinking,
glance at the sky,
One last time.
Quiet, methodical thrumming
As the currant plunders its way
twisting me in various designs
my lungs, burn with a fire
that water cannot put out
Pressure brings on a bigger need,
I guess its time to go.
I wonder if they think of me,
If they'll even know.
The silence is all too loud now,
glance up at the waters brim...
The glass topped beautiful sky.
Author notes
When I was younger, I used to fantasize when I would go to birthday partys on the beach, watching the kids play while I sat alone. Thinking about just taking off into the water, and slowly letting go. This was a way to bring that out, and put into writing. I really enjoyed writing this!
Not sure if this is Dirty Pretty or not, But I tried. Option #2 'Color me Shutter-Tone Deaf'
Dragonbabyx3
- Captivate group list • next in list
A contest entry
- The Allpoetry Seven Contest (-1) by Dancing Feather.
1850 points, ended November 25, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let your mind explore by Learning2PaintYou.
550 points, ended November 8, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one; enter your best. by broken-colours.
600 points, ended December 12, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me anything! by ASmileForYou.
560 points, ended December 16, 2008, 138 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the DARKWRITE challenge rides again by Ktulu Blackwolfe.
600 points, ended December 20, 2008, 39 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me more! by ASmileForYou.
700 points, ended January 7, 69 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the biggest prewrite contest ever by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended January 18, 362 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Muse of an Ember Sketch by PaintedParisPassion.
700 points, ended February 17, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Easy as Pie by Cyanide Dreams.
3250 points, ended April 17, 132 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you feel when you read this?
Comments
1 - 34 of 34
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"I wonder if they think of me, If they'll even know."
You pick your words carefully to fully demonstrate the feeling and emotion behind the narrator's thoughts and actions, and that's really special. I loved it; thank you! -
Born Gorgeous Reading List ~
Congratulations on the trophies this has won
Great poem; the flow is captivating and intriguing and I almost can't bear to look away
♥
Stay safe
~Manda
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I Adore this poem..for me your poem really illustrates
how I felt...when I was finally ready to...end the suffering, excuses, crying,
depressive feelings....breaking thru the glass
topped beautiful sky...and breathing fresh air once
again...letting the chains that were holding me down
(and all those weary excuses)
fall deep down into the ocean
so I could finally see...a glass shining beautiful sky.
ears/Seattle
Huge fan of your poetry!
lovely, lovely, powerful too!
-
I think it's really hard to try and justify that everything's alright with us when we are consumed with loneliness and with love/relationships that seem to never work.
But we have to keep reminding ourselves that we have beautiful lives that are filled with purpose and we can't let other people and the storms of live defeat us.
Well penned work here
Your emotions came out very strong -
tragically beautiful. excellent write, hun. (:
-- Tor
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I like this, however I think it tells more than shows. I like it because of how the flow goes well with your emotion. Your words provoke an image in my mind, of suffocating... I've almost drowned before, and this is kind of what it felt like. But the emotion in this, it just wasn't there. Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
josh
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I say yes, I like it. It def shows pride!
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The title draws one in...
And I found that to be ironic after the read
as I compared it to your being drawn to the water
as a means of escape. I like the visual of that last look up and all that can be speculated as far as last thoughts. It is a dark read that strives to take one beneath the surface of lonliness. Blue
PS~currant should read current
-
Intense
Wonderful! The imagery here is so clear it's almost like watching an internal film, the title was the first thing that really caught my eye here but it just got better as I read on! The emotions you bring out here can easily be related to by so many people and the beautifully tragic ending very much struck a chord with me.
Another lovely piece, well done.
Much affection, Silverwing
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nice job keep up the good work
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Every woman was once insecure in her girl hood at sometime or other. This is so well expressed and speaks for so many though that may not have been your intention. I love it from beginning to end.
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I echo Steve's comment.
Twisted, just the way I like it, lol.
Rather beautiful, in a dark way.
-
Chilling like the cold water
First off, the title is amazing and really caught my attention and imagination.
This is a quite chilling and creepy piece when taken in it's full, unbridled depth and meaning. Accompanied with you AN it makes the cold in my veins sting that much more as I can actually visualize me slipping below the glass surface of the dull gray water with an ash tinted overcast sky. This is beautiful is the most hauting and unnerving of ways. I think it speaks to me especially because I have drowned once in my early life and I have a terrible fear of murky waters. As you can tell, this has touched me, moved me and has penetrated deep below the skin.
Apparently, as I read through some of the other comments, there are those that are caught up in semantics and the superficial layers of the piece and did not dive into this piece as a real critical reader should.
I think this will go into my little black book of poems that mean just a little extra to me, be proud, not many do go there.
Thanks so much for sharing this and engulfing me in your tragic yet beautiful realm of your mind.
-
no.
Please wait for the other judges comment. -
okay.
this seemed quite cliche to me, and didn't have much emotion.
or at least, it didn't CONVEY much emotion.
I can tell you have potential, but this piece didn't hit me as hard as it could have.
thanks for entering
-
This is my personal comment for the catharsis rounds.
Upon the closing of the contest, I will comment back with a 'yes' or 'no.'
I wasn't really getting all that much emotion off of this.
In the first stanza, this threw me off
"or the unblemished skin,
Never felt the kiss,
of unshed love against skin."
Because you used the word 'skin' twice, so closely together.
Also "Arms feel heavy with Lead,"
lead shouldn't be capitalized.
I did like this stanza, though.
"Quiet, methodical thrumming
As the currant plunders its way
twisting me in various designs
my lungs, burn with a fire
that water cannot put out
Pressure brings on a bigger need,
I guess its time to go."
I'll be back.
-
wow
this is very well written it very visual aspect poem i love it its very heartbreaking but this is a very beautiful piece i love t alot i love the whole thing nothing to complain about i i love the raw emotion in this great job chrissy keep up the good work great job amazing write keep it up keep on going stay true stay sic peace out and have a nice day -
Haha, whoa! I thought I recognized this poem!
I think I like it even more the second time around. It seems to reveal more. Once again, this is a heartbreaking but beautiful poem.
I love how you say "i've always ben a good swimmer" because it's what you were good at that ended the person's life, even thoughthe things s/he wasn't good at that prompted it.
Thanks again for entering my contest! I greatly enjoyed reading this! -
A very well penned piece with some nice imagery portrayed, I really didn't find this dark tho. Thank you for entering and good luck
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Interesting write here. I liked the visuals and imagery here. Thanks for the entry and good luck.
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
This is beautiful. Haunting and sad, so full of emotion. It is truly heartbreaking when people have to go through things like this. Thanks for the entry!
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95%
Dark and yet captivating. It starts as merely a swim, feeling the sensation of water rushing past and the hugeness of the world. Then when you've run out of energy, you let everything swirl around you and focus on the look of the sky before death takes you. Wow.
I really, really liked this.
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Beautiful...
Such a contemplative tone...I used to dream of just running and running until I reached the end of the world, never turning back. Your poem gives me the same feeling, giving me the sense of my consciousness slowly dissolving into the water. I love the ending...
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I see some really great potential in this poem. I love your images and descriptions. You've penned those so well. I think maybe you should read through this again. Read slowly and read it out loud to yourself. There may be a couple words you want to change or lines you want to rephrase. Good luck in my contest.
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Fantastic!
Mate, that's great.
Very deep, sad and well written.
I loved it.
You're very talented, don't stop writing!
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freaking awesome
I love love love this! Love the imagery.
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I love the thought that you put into this.
It's very deep and sad. Something that I
think so many people can relate to.
Thanks a lot for sharing this one with me
and keep up the wonderful work here!
Jeremy0826 -
Bravo
I have got to tell you, the first Stanza absolutely captured me and I think it will do the same to many others. It relates to how many people will feel.
I love the line "I've always been a good swimmer..." it's almost ironic that that thought goes through your head if you know what I mean. Works really well.
Something that did stand out to me (and this is totally just a little thing that came to me when I was reading it through) - to me the whole thing brings to mind a very quiet place. She's being released from all the pain and she seems to be calm and cleared minded about it. The image in my head is that its dark all but moon light and its quiet, very eerie. I just didn't like the line "Splashing loudly in my ears" ... only because you say that the water glides over the curve of your neck... I can just imagine her slowly just going under, no noise, just going. Its really hard to explain what I mean so if you think I'm talking gobaldy-gook than just ignore it. Its just a suggestion.
Loved the poem... Excellent work!!
And thanks for your comments on mine.. I'm going to give a little thanks in my Authors notes. Db x
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Well, you did an excellent job with this piece. I even wonder if readers can appreciate the beauty and time you have placed in this poem. I hope they can. It is one of the better poems I have read from other authors on this site and you did a grand job. I started to think she is going downhill when I saw the typical "knife through water" but the next line carried it over very smoothly. My only suggestions is to get rid of the first ... Punctuation can be the killing and making of a poem.
The first stanza is very good and I want to tell you why. You describe something that most people envy. It tells something that a lot of people who read this type of poetry relate to and feel sorrow through it in your eyes and their own.
Keep writing! Rewrite! Rewrite! Rewrite! Nothing is ever finished. Excellent.
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This was absolutely beautiful. Very sad but so so beautiful. You pulled off a poem about suicide, not only in the fact that it was well written, but that you made her death seem more like a release then an escape, like something one would do to relax. I don't like to think morbidly but you just made me think it in a very disturbingly graceful and amazing way that i love! Amazing write!d
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forgot the applause!
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This was beautiful.
the imagery is stunning, you're a great poet.
I really enjoyed this, the flow was perfect.
good luck in the contest!
-aiko -
WOW!!! Brilliance shining through a glass sky...
Well, first of all, I'm glad you never did actually follow through, and secondly, I think your poem is amazingly well written!! Best of luck in the contest!! Peace, Cyn
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wowsa that was a good one 
thank you for entering and I glad you liked my prompt you did well with it
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