I remember feeling so chaotic
staring at the blade looking so erotic
I knew my despair was bellowing inside
so I longed to behold it, for the sake of my pride
when I looked down inside to examine my heart
I doubted myself and longed to bleed my art
and every time I ached, craved, hungered
I'd stare at the blade while my senses wondered
I know just how painful life can truly be
sometimes difference plans lack the chemistry
to set you free but please trust me! it is worth being free
I owe my awakening to Bustamante's infinite knowledge
he went through hell and then through college
he opened my eyes to notice the lies
before I became something I would despise
he gave me the strength to heal as an independent
so the next time i hurt i wouldn't be so redundant
A contest entry
- food for thought- ♥- cutters, noncutters, and ex-cutters by Immortal Obscurity.
875 points, ended November 10, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
how did this poem make you feel? how was it good/bad?
Comments
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excellent
I owe my awakening to Bustamante's infinite knowledge
he went through hell and then through college
he opened my eyes to notice the lies
before I became something I would despise
he gave me the strength to heal as an independent
so the next time i hurt i wouldn't be so redundant
you sound truly inspired.did you go down in moods and got up or you are narrating someone else's tale.anyway a great poem.keep up the good work...visit my poetry portfolio and offer some comments as well. -
Superb Plus
A very fine write, indeed. I liked your upbeat ending. As one, who has overcome chronic depression through a variety of theraputic philosophies, medication, and spiritual principles, I could relate to this poem quite well. Again, well done, and well written, too.
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Hmmm... This poem definitely had its spectacular moments, as well as its not-so-spectacular ones. An example of the former would be this:
"when I looked down inside to examine my heart
I doubted myself and longed to bleed my art".
or this:
"I owe my awakening to Bustamante's infinite knowledge;
he went through hell and then through college
he opened my eyes to notice the lies
before I became something I would despise."
That just stuck out. The rhyme was brilliant, and not for a minute did you sound cheesy or forced, until:
"he gave me the strength to heal as an independent
so the next time i hurt i wouldn't be so redundant."
'Redundant' is used incorrectly. I don't know what you're getting at, but I think you meant to say "so the next time I hurt, I wouldn't be so likely to relapse", or something to that effect.
Also, this line:
"staring at the blade looking so erotic".
I think you mean to say, "staring at the blade, which looked so erotic". But of course, that's only if you're a masochist, who gets off on pain... So unless you are, I'm not sure that's the best word to use either.
In all, though, a decent effort. Well done, and good luck.
Laura
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