I look at you so hard it makes my eyes hurt,
To capture your image in my head,
Needing to breathe you in so I can take part of you with me,
Listening to your breath trying to remember how it sounds so I can always hear it.
But you don't know, know the ache, the insane, unreasonable tearing up of my heart,
An uncontrollable, burning desire that engulfs me in its flames,
A consuming desperation that eats at my insides,
The hungry crazed beast that fights to swallow you whole,
My fairy tale, that wants to write you into its pages and tell of how you love me,
Passionately, unexplainably, truely, madly, deeply,
Until we're inside out, upside down and tied in a knot.
I hurt for you so much it makes my heart ache,
Desperate to capture your smile in my mind,
Willing you to love me, urging you, begging you to love me,
My throbbing heart, drowning in an ocean of misery
A contest entry
- Lotsa Options.. Come and see!!! by FightOffYourDemons.
550 points, ended December 8, 2008, 35 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Many thanks to "DragonBabyx3" for all your help with this... :o)
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is very good. I like all the emotion it has, it seems really passionate.
It actually reminds me of something i would write.
Um, one little thing in this line
"Until were inside out, upside down and tied in a knot."
Is the were suppose to be we're?
Or is it suppose to be something else.
Anyway, great job with this, I love it!
Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!!! -
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Yes you were right. Sorry about the little grammatical error there.
Thanks for your comments, always appreciated.
db x
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amazing
this poem is sheer brialliance dear. I dont think you would want another title for it.. it suits the poem perfectly. As for the pain in the poem..its so obvious that its just tangible.. really really lovely poem... i guess this is your best poem till date
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This is a very good poem and thus, take my comment with ease. It is a mere suggestion.
It is a little too wordy. As you can see my sentence "It is a mere suggestion." It can be shortened to, "It is a suggestion." Does mere offer a lot? In that form, na, not really. Shorter sentences is required. Also, do not use the word so. It does not add to anything and it subtracts from the quality. I am so cool. I am so going to read that. I am so feeling good. You are trying to express that it is of a great level but you can do that without using the word so.
"I ache for you,
it makes my heart hurt."
shorter sentences would be beneficial.
I like when you refer to "throbbing heart" and it is "drowning in an ocean of misery." You have a lot of good lines but I think they can be even better. Nevertheless, I like this poem, and I think you did an excellent job. The one you must do is keep writing.
-AtiVan
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Thank you for your comments, I agree with you to an extent... I think i need to sit down and really work out where i could shorten sentences.. I will do this (when i get 5 minutes silentce) and let you know because I'd love to hear what you think once its changed.
Always appreciate comments, like I've heard you say... nothing is ever finished!
Many Thanks
DB x
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This is great, only thing I see that it needs is line 14, beggin needs to be begging, you have urging, so you need begging
hehe, Other than that, ITs great. My favorite line is line 3, thats how it is in my marriage. I need him all the time, not just in body, but in mind as well. you did a great job capturing the feelings here. You might consider chaing around line 12, instead of "I ache for you so much it makes my heart hurt" how about" I hurt for you so much it makes my heart ache" or maybe "I pain for you so much it makes my heart ache" as you can tell I like the "heart ache" best. But all in all its very good
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I love the way that line sounds now I've changed it - "I hurt for you so much it makes my heart ache" its such an obvious change but it completely changes the sentence.
Thanks for youe advice... always appreciated.
DB :-) x
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This is very good for thoughts. You have captured the lovesickness, the mindboggling way you feel. But I think you could leave out some of the "The"s, the get way too repetetive, same with the "trying" Try playing around with different words, of just leave them out all together. The last line, "Burnout Broken Heart" I think would sound better if it was "My Burned out, Broken Heart" Just a suggestion. I hope some of this help, Let me know if you end up revising it, I would love to read the revised edition as well
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Hey there, I made some amendments... thanks for your comments, I put this one up in the hope someone would help me with it as it just seemed to be mixture of desperate feelings more than a poem... I like how its sounding now.
I scrapped the last line as it didnt make as much sense to me today as it did when I was writting the poem. What do you think now?
Your thoughts would be very much appreciated.. I will of course check out your work and return the favour with some comments!!
DB x
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Wow
Simply amazing. I know the feeling right now, as a matter of fact
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