there's a restless intuition
a sense of things not going right
and yet the leaves still fall in sequence
forming patchwork mosaics on the ground.
crystal fish skate across
the surface of gilded teardrops,
reflecting mirrored images of leaden tires
and wrought-iron thorns.
the water-lilies drift in
monastic contemplation,
enspiraling the absolute
with perfect agility.
yet a monochromatic spear pierces these,
flicking and fluttering through water
and garden, casting the brilliance
into darkling quietude.
turning,
the eye casts forth in wondering,
seeking the source of the trickster grayness
but there is no obvious flash or flare,
neither moon nor sun high enough on the horizon
nor in motion to cast those shaded shapes.
sighing,
he shakes his head
and gives up on understanding.
A contest entry
- Let your mind explore by Learning2PaintYou.
550 points, ended November 8, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Surreal Pictures by TheCorrodedBreed.
400 points, ended December 6, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I think you've done a fantastic job with your imagery and vocabulary in this piece. It is just the perfect blend. Not too wordy and not to sparse. An enjoyable read to be sure and nicely done.
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I do like this poem. I think your images and descriptions are wonderful. The last stanza does seem to be out of place. I'm picturing this beautiful scene and all of a sudden a man pops into it. Perhaps you should mention him in the beginning. Maybe you could say that he's sitting on a bench observing the Garden or that he's admiring it.
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That's why it's the "inner" garden.
Also, note the 'restless intuition', and a 'sense of things not going right'. Are gardens normally thought to possess intuition or sense? 
Thank you, though.
I should clarify -- I'm describing emotional states and troubling thoughts, not an actual garden. Mentioning someone looking at the garden in the beginning would puncture the metaphor or else make it too subtle for my purposes -- most people would then take it to be a poem about an actual garden. -
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I assumed that was just personification or giving a tone to the Garden. It was just a suggestion anyway.
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Ahh, I see. Hmmm. Maybe I should change the title a bit, then, to make it a bit better a hint? Thank you for taking the time to make a suggestion, certainly.
I wish everyone did.
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lol, thats really cool, I liked the ending! Good luck in the contest, I hope you do well.
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Wow! That's some incredible imagery! Best of luck in my contest, thanks for entering!
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