I see myself in the mirror,
as I look at myself I ask,
Who is this guy I see?
I'll tell you...
I am that guy you've heard about,
annoying at times,
but a great friend to have.
No father figure in my life,
and the feeling of being unloved.
Crushin',
mostly on the people I see daily,
but no one's crushin' back.
A very hopeful person,
of many things.
I look in this mirror,
trying to figure me out.
I blink.
reminiscing on all my ruined and broken memories,
And as I look again,
I see nothing,
NO place, No love, No life.
I see,
an empty space,
where my reflection should be.
Author notes
Peaceful Atrocity
Oct. 22 2008
In a list
A contest entry
- big bang prewrites only contest by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended January 5, 124 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Over 100 Options and everyone needs to enter! by joleahe.
550 points, ended November 20, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Heaven by Heavenly Angel.
700 points, ended March 27, 76 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Time For Another Green Trophy Upgrade! by Nicada.
850 points, ended April 9, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How can I make this better?
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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Aw, Monkeysex! This is really good! I miss you. I've been wondering where you've been and how you are. It's not right not being able to talk to my Monkeysex.
I especially have felt like this a few days right after a breakup. It makes you think about all the mistakes that have been made in your life and why you made them. I lot of times I look in the mirror and I wish I could be someone else. But I have to learn to live with myself for who I am, or else I need to just try to think positively. I remember that you always used to get me to look on the bright side of things, and I miss that.
I love you Joshy and hope that you're doing well.
I still love my Monkeysex!!!
Always,
Emily
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We can see many things in the mirror, not always those we most wish to find reflected back into our knowing, but often things that can be enlightening, intriguing, profoundly offering the means to see things in a new light, or identify where changes need to be made. Self-analysis can be a potent and self-empowering skill, a tool with which you can repair or tweak things as you see fit, or identify where more work on self is needed.
The only criticism I could make/thing to point out, is that there are a lot of simple words that are repeated ("see" and "myself"), and to implement synonyms would freshen areas of the poem up more, presenting something new to the reader. The alliteration in Line 1 works, and is a device you could play more with, enjoyably, I think.
Again, this was good. I like your style and the subject matter you work with.
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Don't lose hope, you are a wonderful poem and this poem is both unique and emotional, I like in the end especially the imagery of the empty reflection. Nice Poem.
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It seems we all go through times in our lives when we see an emptiness staring back at us. Not having a father figure is an extra challenge for sure. It can take lots of work looking at oneself, and dealing with all the issues, but you can find yourself one day. This is a real and emotional write. Great job, and thanks so much for entering. Blessings, Patty
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Very well done
Very emotional and quite a "feeling" piece
Thank you so much for sharing and for being part of this contest...the very best of luck to you in all you set out to do -
This is a wonderfully written poem, wonderful flow of words and the detail was awsome. It was a pleasure.
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i do like it when writers tell more about who they are.
gives a better understanding of who they are.
well done.
the flow is your own style so i can't really tell you it should be changed but that was the only thing i wasn't feeling with this.
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Wonderful
Wow, what a great write. You did it so well. Thank you for sharing.
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o.O wow
i remember a few years ago when I felt exactly like this. it took me a long time to get myself out of this train of thought. went from sophmore year to the end of senior year before i was finally free of that whole spiel. now i see myself when i'm looking in the mirror, rather than the subservient slave i had once seen
keep up the great work =] i'm too lazy to read other ones right now seeing as my gf just got here. i'll read more later.
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very nice =) i take it this is for the prewrite option???
~*Princess Cuddle Bug*~ -
a nice read thanks for entering
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This is good, you've created a clear self portrait in a poem. I would like to know the prompt you chose as I asked for it in your AN and it doesn't appear here.
Thanks for entering. -
it was good
i kinda liked it, though it took me a minute to catch on. i'm kinda new to this poetry thing. i have only written a couple myself, so i can't really correct anything. i might come back to your poems when i get more experienced at this. sorry i couldn't be much help... and by the way, if by the feeling of being unloved you meant you think nobody likes you, you don't ever need feel your unloved. there has to be somebody out there who does. depression takes years off of your life, and it's been proven. besides, who cares if you feel unloved, it's time to move on and just make the best out of what you have. and i know you have a friend out there somewhere. everyone does. just think about that. and by the way, if i offended you at all in here, i apologize.
Your Buddy,
Tyler. -
Actually I really can't leave that part out... Its me and I'm describing me in this poem... It has a very vital part to this poem...
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The ending is excellent!
You could leave out the part about being annoying. -
im sure many of us can relate, female or male.
very well written and best of luck
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I completely relate to this poem. It's so easy to lose yourself sometimes or question if you ever really knew it to begin with. It's a great poem, and if you really need some critcism, maybe try to use some more varied words. That's really all I can think of.
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this is perfect...needs not be criticised since there is nothing to be criticised!
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!!! OMG, I think of Blake...He tells me everyday how he feels like he is nothing, like he has lost him self in the mirror!
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aww...that's so cute. but also..deep. I can relate
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I really like this poem, and i'm sure many people can relate, its kind of sad... Anyhoo, this was an amazing poem! I loved it, great read too. keep up the work xx
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good
this is good well written
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I like this poem a lot. I like the font color against the background, i like because of the different lengths how you centered this poem and I like how i can connect with it and how though people can relate to it, it doesnt seem like a cliche or like i have read this poem somewhere else before. it shows a lot of emotion, a lot of depth and a lot of pain and heart. I really, really like this poem. amazing write, bukaroo
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it's sad...but i like it...many times, many people have felt this way...i myself have felt this way...but i have found something that makes me life full....great write...keep on writing...xoxo
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i love it
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The general concept and structure of this poem is wonderful :]
I think you could delve deeper into your (his) mind a bit before you (he) blinks. Maybe make him have a reason for shutting his eyes for that second.
shinE* -
less lines
i think that there are too many lines, longer lines instead of splitting them all up would make it more powerful because your mind would put it all together at one time instead of having to re-read it to get the true power, you could make. i didn't think i liked the "chrushin'" lines at first but when i read it a couple of times it grew on me -
no changey!! its way to kewl! dont change it at all!!!
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I love this!
I absolutely love this!!! Please don't change it because it's amazing just like it is!
"I look in this mirror,
trying to figure me out.
I blink.
And as I look again,
I see nothing,
NO place, No love, No life.
I see,
an empty space,
Where my reflection should be."
This was my favorite part. I can relate to this poems in so many ways. I hope to see more awesome poems like this. Keep up the amazing work!
~Kayla
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