(6:00 pm)
Marooned in a silent
hotel room
the silver in his eyes
penetrating
desperate.
Every inch of his attention
on the wooden door
that squeaked,
reciting a bleak lullaby
smoke from the lighted cigarette
curled in the dark chamber
every puff bringing pleasure
yet sending
jolts down his spine
The nicotine had
water colored his now
frail arteries
printed 'death' everywhere
blocking
his axis
The clock ticked on
repeating its sounds
into the emptiness
striking at nine
he picked up
the delicate blue
gin bottle
staring at it
for a fateful moment,
he exhaled a soft sigh
and smashed the bottle
to his handsome camouflage
Numb.
Slow breaths paused
disappearing in the air
like soap bubbles
She now walked in.
Panic stricken.
Green eyes began to sting
at the horrid display
Thunder boomed,
jumping every time
Clinging to his torso
with agonized slowness
she drowned in
the red quick sand
that was now
her fate.
The clock showed 9:05 pm
Author notes
By: Alyzeh
Word bank:
maroon, hotel, silver, penetrate, lullaby, cigarette, curl, spine, water color, print, block, delicate, blue, gin, breath, sand, bubble, numb, nine (19 words used)
Photo credits: Deviantart.com
A contest entry
- the way we fall. by aanika.
990 points, ended November 24, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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i loved the way you used the wordbank.
thanks for your entry! -
3rd last verse is very powerful. encaptivating.
this poem is very different to anything i've read. the way it was written was short and insightful. the flow was off, but that just drew me too it even more.
the last line is one of the best endings i've ever heard.
it gives it a sort of inhuman ring whilse tieing everything together/
excellent.
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Nice job! I like this piece a lot! Great poem! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck.
sydney -
This poem really strikes home to me. My mom is a smoker and I have been desperately trying to get her to stop smoking. She also has CHF and COPD and is a post cabg. She can't breathe well with or without smoking and is on Oxygen at least part of the time. And still at times she insists on smoking those stupid cancer sticks. I hate them.
Thanks for sharing this poem. And thanks for entering it into my contest.
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This is really great!
This is a really great poem! I loved the way it flowed and the las line is great! But unfortunetly, it is not what I was looking for, I am sorry, and better luck next time i guess, again sorry. -
a perfect voice in this narrative...very suspenseful...I love the breaths like popped soap bubbles in the air...well done
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nice write
One can vividly imagine the scene.
Good work!
keep it up
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A little L O N G but an excellent story told, with great metaphors and images that move one to think again...good work~~~Artis
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Serene, strong and very vivid imagery. That's all there is to it, and yet, you make the flow so great, it's not even funny. Beautiful..
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wow, this poem is like wow! I adore it!
Your writing skill is amazing girl! Serusly, it rocks!
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this is amazing
hope you win the contest
love always Erica Carnea
x.x
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OMG!!!
This is my favourite of yours now,
loved it, loved it
The imagery was just vivid
Excellent write my friend
All the best to you in the contest
Ken
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Wow! Alyzeh! This was spectacular! Word bank again and you wrote this so well with such ease. Loved the imagery and the flow! Great, great, great work! Love the picture. Best to you in the contest hon
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