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The Actives...

22/10/08 Timespell 5:36..am 

 



I have to write...

 

Maybe you needed to know this?
Maybe I needed to see again?

But now...

I am back from that place,
the same place I was sent last night
but that was only for a short while.

Tonight I was there in body, spirit and soul,
the full blown journey, invite excepted;

from who ever sent me there again.
My head full of pictures, faces and voices;

My left arm frozen,

but I am back here awake...

 

Strange...

I can't believe how many have gone
how many are there.

It's my seventh time there now,
how hell has change since
the first time I arrived.

A view too view...

Once it was an empty place, devoid of souls.
Burning red mountains surrounded
by a burning bubbling purple sea.

The sands had but one set of foot prints
leading towards an empty chair and table.
I still recall the quill tipped feather
and the empty book greeting me.

The crackling of the sea,
and winds of fire licking at the darkness;
nothing more nothing less.
Tranquil in a darkened sort of way,
but I know now, that that, was just the beginning

My left arm frozen,

but I am back here awake...

 

Sands of darkness...


Slowly they fall, one by one

filling the void, playing there games.

A lake of naked contortions,

grappling and groping each others body's

my eyes are now filled with them. 

 

I look on, over the edge,

where there laughter echo's through my ears. 

I see friends and strangers down there,

everyone is in the sea of flesh;

a multitude of changing colors and forms. 

 

They stare back at me one by one

then one starts peeling off

from the bubbling mass of body's

appearing by my side,

naked with sparkling red skin.

 

It gives out a shrieking moan,

I watch as a its right hand starts changing;

it's hand is turning into a gun made of it's own flesh

I turn and run as fire zips past me.  

My left arm frozen,

but I am back here awake...

 

Now it's changed...

They wear Black crombies you know?

 

They greet me with open arm's

all of them have something to say

Wide eyed smiling faces every where I looked

still staring back at me.

just the same as you and me

 

Talking, but its a never ending sentence

I hear the words, 

He must of won?

 

The panic of these words

sets my mind alight

I start flicking my right hand

and make the sign of the cross

 

This freezes them for a moment

but still they come.

I am being overpowered

I dislike this place immensely

My left arm frozen,

but I am back here awake

or so I thought? 

 

Then another... 

 

Friend I had not seen for a longtime

dancing away at the party

It seemed a great place to be.

Everyone dancing in a club

but then it happened.

 

The chaos, the madness

I knew then that I was back.

Back amongst the riding herd 

Strangers biting at my hands

and cutting me with blades.

 

I shouted to my friends

but they seemed to be oblivious

to my words.

 

Breaking free I start to run

and then I appear outside of a club. 

Masses and masses have all gathered

I cannot wake from this time zone

there is no escape route found this time 

and I have to go with what ever comes.

My left arm frozen,

but I am back here awake with them

 

 

The Actives...

 

I see them, I see them all

An army of lost souls 

looking on at the masses

in there Black crombies and bowler hats

Are they the welcoming party 

my head starts to think about it. 

 

We all start walking  

I know I am here, here again

But again it's changed 

they just smile and laugh at us

Then one by one they take turns

in cutting open peoples faces 

with razor blades 

 

All of them just walking up and slicing

anyone's face open.

There is no emotion or fear

it is total acceptance 

 

I try to snap out, get out of this

but they know me by name and taunt me

and start laughing at each other. 

calling out my name... Hi Paul, Hi Paul 

Flicking my hand and making a cross

has know effect this time. 

 

I scream at the masses and tell them Hell 

but I am now left to my own devices 

Again there flesh starts forming guns

an army, an army of guns

but I am alone, I am but one. 

 

Running again, this time for real

down the slope I travel

followed with ease by them all

Still laughing, they start to fire at me 

zigzags of fire everywhere.

 

I see a boarded up house

with one glass window.

Running and running I dive through

the window searching for sanctuary

But they're there, they're every where 

 

My hand moves like white lightning

taking many down around me.

But there's to many, to many, to many

I feel a hand lifting me of the floor 

 

He starts laughing out loud,

the last words I hear are...

 

He's not active

 

He then plunges his hands through

my back and rips out my spine

My left arm frozen,

but I am back here awake...

 

22/10/08 Timespell 5:36..am

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

22/10/08...My left arm frozen, but I am here awake...

In a list

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Timeless Wisdom silver member
    November 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very symbolic and full of imagery. Just one simple suggestion, in the phrase "A view too view" did you perhaps mean to use the "to" form...as in to do something....the "too" form is used in saying "Too much of something" or to that liking. Just a question

    Nicely Penned

    ASM
    AKA Raymond


  • neurosine gold member
    November 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nice.

  • CellarDoorEssentials
    November 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yes. I see the hellishness. Dante's Inferno kept popping into my head.. until I read about the dance clubs and bowler hats. I think I found myself a little lost. I can say that I was expecting Hell from this and wound up in dowtown L.A. on a normal Saturday night. Besides this, I suppose you really did convey the chaos with 20+ broken stanzas.

    One suggestion (since suggestions are asked for), I would like to remind you to always read through your poems, preferably before you add them. You'd catch some errors that-as already mentioned below-the spell check would not have caught. Another: if you do intend to revise this... I would suggest some editing. Pull together this plethora of jumbled phrases. Length is not everything, good poet; sometimes the simplest things are the most revealing. Also, "left arm frozen?" I didn't quite grasp the purpose of this repeated phrase. What I concluded was that either you were having a heart attack, or had a bad case of writer's block. Ironic. Other than all this, I think you have a rather outstanding imagination and should not keep that at bay in the least. Just remember to edit and review. Congratulations on the bronze.
    OH- and "The Actives" - I don't know where you pulled this from, but I liked it. you should tie it in a bit more. Elaborate on the actives, I would very much like to hear more about them


  • Harlequin Dance
    November 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    line 48, 59, : "bodies", not "body's"

    line 65: "its", not "it's"

    line 73: "arms"

    line 129: "their", not "there"

    Hmm....as for the poem itself, it feels a lot like a story with random line breaks inserted, not an actual poem. What I mean is, you could put it all in one paragraph and it would read just as easily, if not better.

    Also, it seemed to drag on a bit. I found my attention wandering as I read. I think it would sound better if you shortened it, and added more intensity to it.


  • Lady-Pegasus
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    well

    you did try to do proper capitalization and punctuation but missed the boat several places, mostly with your use of the semi colons and even having one with a cap after it. some spelling errors that SC wont pick up because they are correct spelling of the wrong word ( like it should be accepted instead of excepted).
    I found the length to be daunting and unneeded, making it ramble when it could be very sharp with a fraction of the length. otherwise an interesting write and with much potential with some refining done to it!


  • nichtmich silver member
    November 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Chilling imagery though overlong, I feel this could be trimmed and with spelling, punctuation and grammar errors cleaned up, would be much more effective. I never did understand the meaning of "left arm frozen" or "A view too view" (did you mean to?)LOL, still a good read.


  • ears2hearyou gold member
    November 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    whoa....did we all sneak up to the first line after
    reading the last line...and shiver just a little..
    oh my gawd...still 5:36 a.m.
    Where's my ice-cream!
    I loved how you un-ravelled it and kept us frantic in
    pace.....we could feel the time slip by as you increased
    the imagery.....not allowing us to pause or feel safe.

    well done!
    I'd never sleep in that bed again!
    i would go the next day and re-decorate my whole
    room....to never be reminded of that wicked dream!
    ears/Seattle
    beauty of a poem!


  • ageofdarkpoets
    October 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Excellent work! Such vivid imagery. I could picture each scene with ease. You have done an excellent job on this piece. This one is more than worthy for Broken Dreams! I wish you best of luck in the contest!

1 - 8 of 8