Am I the one to be used
The walls seem to be getting smaller
I'm tired of trying to break the fuse.
With wires of different colors
Entangled in your chains of steel
Trapped in your never ever
Not letting yourself feel
Because you knew I was your forever.
Take a saw
Trying to cut the links in the chain
Looking at you in awe
But what do I have to gain?
Curled in a ball
Wrapped in chains
Against a wall
As your Love wanes.
Trying to find a way out
Out of the deep dark
Out of something I know nothing about
It's not a walk in the park.
For one time,
Listen to your heart
The wall you should climb
And see the forever part.
It's not a dream
It's reality
It's not what it seems
It will not end with a fatality.
In the corner of your love
No room for me
There never was.
A contest entry
- Things Just Got Lowercase by lowercase prelude.
400 points, ended October 30, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - [ Anything Goes ] by HereComesTheSun.
1100 points, ended April 22, 151 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything!!!!!!!!! by thenorthernstar.
850 points, ended May 25, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pre-Writes Galore by tears.of.silence.
400 points, ended May 18, 257 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PRWRITE CONTEST FOR ALL by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended August 2, 1021 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Point out what you like and what you don't like.
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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this was good sometimes things don't work out no matter how hard you try. this was wonderful thanks so very much for entering
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This was a very interesting write, pretty sad to see that you were smothered by the love of one as it seemed neither of you truly understood. But you did what you could
Love should not confine, but set free, letting the hearts roam together
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Great poem but not a shocking ending...thanks for entering!
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I was recently shown a poem by Charles Bukowski entitled 'So You Want to be a Writer.' Now, I don't bring it up because it says that you should not write a poem unless you feel you'll die if you don't, or if it doesn't come as easily as breathing, but because of it's application. I truly believe that poems speak for themselves, some wanting to be written in rhyme, others prefering free verse. Here, while the rhyming is pretty good, I think it makes the rest of the diction quite forced.
However, you've got a great start here, some very strong emotions. Thank you for sharing.. -
Ah, a prisoner of love, it's sad, but your expressed it really well here.
My favorite is the fifth stanza
Trying to find a way out
Out of the deep dark
Out of something I know nothing about
It's not a walk in the park.
Very descriptive, gets to the heart of the matter,nice flow
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Waking up to realitysucks... it happens all to often. Nice job on this poem.
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It sucks waking up to reality. Good job on this poem. To me, it seamed as you faced betrayal.
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Awesome poem, I loved it. Kinda the same message as my poem Prisoner.
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Great job here. Love the flow. Cheers!!
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I love the next to last stanza, especially the reality/fatality rhyme. Good flow and a great write...
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For one time,
Listen to your heart
The wall you should climb
And see the forever part.
This is perfect,
very creative and different.
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very effective use of imagery; breaking chains and using a saw to cut through them. Also lots of emotion comes through. good job.
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not bad
although i do have to agree with lunarlunacy -
You have expressed some very strong emotion here, but the forced sing song end rhyme deflates it's impact. I like the interesting imagery.
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amazing=] I love it, truly outstanding=] Great use of emotion through your words and i love your word choice. It also has a very powerful, sad ending. well done!=]
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Very good, similar to my poem Prisoner but different. Nice work.
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I love it
The way you wrote was beautiful, tiptoeing with your words amungst the feelings you felt, i enjoyed reading it
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Outstanding
What stands out most about this poem is the flow and the strength of the rhyme scheme which is excellent. Interesting to note that it is a collaboration - I think you have done very well together. I also liked the image of the chain and the need to break the links which is used throughout the poem creating an extended metaphor for letting go. Sometimes you need to split up in a relationship but the bonds are too strong to allow this to happen. I thought the metaphor described this feeling very well. Best of luck in the contest.
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Thanks Much
After reading all of these comments, I think you are the only one to understand this poem. You are also the first to note that it is a collaboration. My sister (the one who I collaborated with) loved that you said that and appreciated it. Thanks for the comment.
*~Love Me-Hate Me~*
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i really loved this part
Take a saw
Trying to cut the links in the chain
Looking at you in awe
But what do I have to gain?
very nice job -
excellent flow
i loved the image of the fuse. -
wow! you're amazing! I love it!
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I like the flow, you expressed your feelings very well, tho' it seems it was inspired by a weird and sad situation...
I particularly loved the image of the fuse
Good job!
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