My Final Goodbyes

You-

I meant to tell you all this sooner, but it's harder than it looks. I was afraid that you'd get anrgy, that you'd turn around and scream at me with hate. I know how hard it is for you to let go, but remember this is me. And it may be easier than it seems.I never thought you'd turn away like this, that you'd hide away in shame. Shame of me? Shame of what's going to happen to me? Or shame of what you're feeling in response? You never were the type to ever really say goodbye, and yet you act like you never knew me...It pains me that I can't talk to you anymore. But I can't help that it's my time. We all have a fate -and this is one that I can't fight. So if you can't listen to me, at least listen to my words.

There's a lot I've been meaning to tell you since last February. Remember when I came to see you? I didn't tell you everything, I kept so much back. And I realize I've lost my last chance, but I thought you should know it all anyways. I meant to tell you I loved you that day, I meant to tell you that I wish you'd come back. I meant to promise I'd never let you down again, I meant to promise I wouldn't let you go. There was just so much going on, and I thought I knew what I was going to say. I had it all planned out, I thought I was ready...never thought I'd choke. I'm sorry I made you cry. It was the first time I'd ever seen you cry. We sat there for hours, crying and screaming a thousand sorry's, remember that? I'm sorry it still wasn't enough.

I know I don't have much time left, and I mean to make up for everything I've done wrong in this little time I have. I know there's no way I could change your heart back, and I know there's no way you could understand just how much I care -you're lucky I care too much. Else, where would I be?

I wish I could change you back, because you're different now. Things aren't the same anymore, I guess. The only thing that hasn't changed is that the only time you come back is when you need me. I'm sorry you don't need me right now, because I'm leaving soon. You don't have enough time to come back. I'm sorry I won't ever be able to make that up to you, but I want you to know something.

I want you to know that I'm not afraid. I'm ready to face what's coming, and I'm prepared to handle the baggage that comes with it: pain, hate, tears, and all. I know you're afraid too, and I know that's why you won't even look at me anymore. It's still hard to say goodbye, isn't it? You never could say goodbye to me, no matter how hard you tried. I don't want anything, I don't need anything more from you -I've taken far more than I should have. And I want you to know I regret close to nothing. That the only things I do regret is not being able to do enough, is not being able to be enough...I regret the mistakes I made, when all along I should have known better. I regret pulling you down. And most of all? I regret living in the past for so long.

I've come to terms with the present finally -just thought you should know. I've finally let go of all my grudges, and I hope that when I'm gone you can look back and be proud of me. I know it doesn't mean much to you right now, but I'm doing okay. I've finally learned how to put myself back into order. I don't need to lean on anyone anymore, isn't that great? And it's because of you. You taught me how to be strong.

But the last thing I want you to know is that I did it all for you. All that I am, all that I've become, all that I've tried so hard to do...it was for you. I always worry if you care what I'm doing, trying so hard just to impress you. I never could get away from that. It was a habit, and you know how habits get. Old habits are hard to break. And though I realize it all boiled down to meaning nothing, I just thought you should know that I care. And I don't mean to be leaving you like this, but it's not something I can control.

Just know that I meant well. And all I did, I did for you.

I love you. More than you could ever know. So if you could do me one last thing? Please, please, /please/....think of me? And always remember me well, Love.

-Me