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I woke up on a shotgun floor

 

I woke up on a shotgun floor.
I did not know where I had been;
My head was pointed at the door.

I could not move -- too scared and sore --
O battered brain! O black eye'd spin! --
I lay upon that shotgun floor.

And then I heard some water pour
And smelled the day old rice and beans;
I leaned against the shuttered door.

I heard a locomotive roar
As footsteps pounded through the den --
Good Lord this creaky shotgun floor!

I saw three figures, maybe four,
And then a voice said, "cleanse your sin,
But first you fix my broken door!"

A-stumblin' down the Bywater Shore
I ate and drank from an ol' beat tin:
God put me on that shotgun floor
To shoot me through another door.

 

Author notes

 

A "Shotgun" is a type of house.

 


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Comments

1 - 26 of 26

  • Night Hope gold member
    November 16
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    Having seen an actual "shotgun house" or two while I lived in Louisiana, this piece was immediately accessible and palpable to the touch, dear Scribe.



  • Lololololol123234
    November 17, 2008
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    Oh wow, This is just amazing.


  • jantastic gold member
    November 14, 2008

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    It's a song.

    There is a certain comfort in the rhythm found in some forms when they are well- executed, as this is.

    Keep singing.




    • Victory Gin silver member
      November 14, 2008
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      Yeah I love villanelles. I finally learned how to sing them too...

      Thank you. I'll keep singing.

      @};--,--


  • Amera gold member
    November 12, 2008

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    Fantastic Villanelle! Your command of formal poetry is intriguing me. I simply have to know more about you. I notice that you don’t enter contests (I think you should). That means you don’t have points to leave applause for other poets. Please accept my gift of a few points.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Rheea gold member
    October 31, 2008

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    We have shotgun houses in NC I find them charming in design they go straight back. I have friends who have renovated them and decorated these older homes so beautifully. This is funny I loved it.


  • Tristania
    October 31, 2008

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    I like this a lot and always love to read poetry that's not depressing like a lot of mine can be and see that it's also interesting!I love how creative people like you can tell a story so well!Keep it coming...after I make the people sad they'll need you to make them happy!

    • Victory Gin silver member
      October 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      You didn't make me sad. I am already sad. Sorrow is inescapable. Weathering the blows of sorrow is another thing entirely. Thank you for your comments. They are appreciated. Keep writing.


  • Grunts Girl gold member
    October 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    reminded me a bit of a bayou moment


  • just mercedes gold member
    October 30, 2008

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    Flawless technique, of course. Perplexing images - somehow combining the beat of the road, poverty, doors that open as well as close, religion and hope. Music.


  • Dragonbabyx3
    October 27, 2008

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    hehehe, I had to laugh when I read this, escially when I read your authors note! Well written and the imagrey is exceptional! Great write!

  • Corr
    October 27, 2008
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    That's awesome!
    kEEP UP THE POETRY!


  • princessleejwctlvr2
    October 27, 2008
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    Very well written!! This is truly truly amazing!!!


  • csmmoms2
    October 26, 2008
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    A fun read

    I wait for more
    I do love your lore
    from what shore?

  • Jamie
    October 26, 2008
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    low

    yeah i had a drug problem for a year lol its narsty stuff good on ya


  • donnz
    October 26, 2008

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    been there

    It must be generic / where you can see from the front door, straight back to the back door / one shot gun blast, every body ded..."done drinking ?". . . betcha ain't. lol
    Been there too.


  • chasing rainbows
    October 26, 2008

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    Reminded me of The Raven for some reason, just the way it was written I suppose. Well done.... and congrats on the not drinking thing :]

    Peace & love,
    xx Sin


  • BrittlesSkittles
    October 26, 2008

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    wow. this is a beautifully written poem. excellent imagery and a flawlessly flowed rhyme technique. keep it up


  • Travel Notes
    October 26, 2008
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    Congrats on conquoring your drinking problem! Your rhyme is excellent and the imagery is vivid.


  • XFaLLen-StarX
    October 26, 2008

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    i like it! nd the rhymes r excellent.. greatly put all together..
    for some very weird reasons i usually love such memories, could b crappy nd disturbin but i still like them

    me
    xxx


  • Wandering Woodchuck silver member
    October 26, 2008

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    I am glad you are no longer a drinker. I kicked the habit years ago. I have never lived in a shotgun house but I have seen them. Absolutely excellent poem.

    Mike


  • Miss Faith
    October 26, 2008
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    I like it.


  • Maatkara gold member
    October 23, 2008

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    Good one!

    You've still got it I like the ambiguity in the last line too.
    So, how far south did you get?
    Elvis Presley was born in a two-bedroom shotgun in Tupelo, Mississippi.

  • ecrivain01
    October 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    One can only hope ...

    LOL.

    I do hope you have some happier memories of New Orleans.

1 - 26 of 26