The other day when we stood buying things we didn't need, steering ourselves further into bankruptcy, there was this sharp, corroded shade of guilt smeared into the joints of my bones. You always knew how to drive self-hatred into my skin and I felt sorry for you, sorry that I couldn’t stand you and all you ever did was love me and take care of me.
My arms were folded over my chest and with a strength I never had during arm wrestling, I tried, with everything in me, not to sob in front of you, to keep those tears and anger and love for you locked in my chest bones.
Yesterday when I was laying under my blanket in my bed watching House and reading Poe, I thought about you and me the other day.
I thought about how I could never tell you anything and how bad I felt for you because I was such a wretch.
I would never tell you about my relapse into everything that put me in the hospital five years ago and let you believe that I was better than I was when I was thirteen.
I would never tell you about how at first when I got that hollow aching in my chest, I would be excited and almost happy to feel something so drastic but now whenever it comes I get sicker each time my body's battered.
I’ll let you believe I’m still a virgin clean of substance use, drunken madness, the fresh field of hostility on my wrist, limitless violence, and some stomach-turning belief that we’ll be okay, that we are normal people who only got a once-in-a-life-time taste of abnormality.
You came home and somehow our conversation went from black cats to fighting and I retreated back to my room under my blanket and TV shows and books. I was irritated at you for bringing up something so stupid and I couldn’t understand why you wanted to bring me down at that moment after we had just been laughing at birthday cards.
I didn't want to talk to you and before I went to bed I grabbed one of the cats so I wouldn’t have to sleep alone, even though I always slept with the TV on. I called to the other one to follow but you came instead. You tried to say what happened earlier wasn't all your fault: the lack of money and me not being able to go to college. Then, like always, you made me the tyrant and you the victim. I screamed and tried not to cry: I hadn’t seen home in over a year and while being away one of my friends, who I'll never get to see ever again, died and you didn’t even give a shit when it happened.
Everything was always my fault.
You could never step up and take the blame when it clearly gleamed with your name.
I know I'm selfish and foolish, and I know you love me.
I yelled one last time and you left. I would never tell you that I cried for the first time in months. After June, when he died, I refused to weep over anything, I would allow myself nothing but the knowledge of grief and bareness. There would be short spurts of tears but nothing like the sobbing I did last night.
I was frustrated for feeling so unbelievable sorry for you and then being hurt repeatedly by your lack of words and awareness to furious smashing of my soul.
I didn't want to spend another night not knowing what was above my head or underneath me.
I felt nothing for you and that was far worse than hatred.
Author notes
Sorry it's so long.
Looking back, this is probably really stupid but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of listening to people giving me advice and telling me it’s going to get better.
In the long run, this isn't the most important thing I need to say but haven't, it's just what has to be said right now.
A contest entry
- this is an interview. by Diseased Mind.
700 points, ended October 30, 2008, 19 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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this is a great contest...and you've outdone your self. Again.
I love your long pieces, they engulf me. It's a sweet suffocation
I love the end. It's unique.
"I felt nothing for you and that was far worse than hatred."
It ca be the other way round or different subsitutions. It's just stunning the way you put things. Unique.
I love how you're the anti-cliche. I would never have you any other way
I love you, big sister
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This made me cry. Seriously Kendal this is amazing and it went straight to heart. It actually hurts me that this is what you're feeling because it's obviously ten time worse than what i feel reading this. Who is this about? At first I thought it was a friend/ ex boyfriend, but reading more into it, it looks like a family member, idk.
This feels like its has the skin peeled off it because its just so raw. So glad you got silver, you deserve it.
I'm sorry things still haven't worked out, I just wish I was there to give you the biggest hug ever.
I love you.
<33
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this is nice i understand your point in here you deserve to be a winner!!!
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Eh advice just comes from people who either have nothing better to do than control peoples lives or theirs is just so fucked up they want you to do what they can't. Never take advice from anyone love; listen to the crashing waves of your soul.
Not to offend anyone else on this subject cuz I know how emo some people can be, I'm not going to compare my so called life to yours or say I've been through what you're going through since you've know me through most of my most fucked up years.
What I will say is I'm only a phone call away and even if its in the crinkled creases of the night I'll always be there to do what I can to pull that beautiful smile out of the dirt and duct tape it to your face.
I love you doll and no matter what happens or what life cuts you with I'll always be here to make you feel as warm as I'm able to
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im not going to give you advice or tell you that its going to get better but... the more you hold in the deep sob, the more your peeling yourself apart. trust me i know. i've tried to do it alot; just to hurt myself because i cant do it physically anymore but im telling you right now if you dont give yourself and your body time to grief you'll just explode. literally. im not trying to say 'you HAVE to cry' but.. patience is always nice and giving yourself time is nice too. please take care
♥
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unfortunately, this has been my life for almost three years, ever since my boyfriend died. ive dated two amazingly sweet guys who have treated me like princesses and i couldnt stand them. not to babble on about my life story, but this poem/prose was exactly what i needed right now and im really glad i logged onto allpoetry like i dont do that often anymore because i cant usually think of anything decent to say. i forgot that theres always stuff to read that makes me feel just as good.
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things don't always get better and we are the only ones who can decide if we are living a lie.
Best wishes and an awesome display of emotion
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Things that need to be said can be far varied from that which is deemed relevant or even necessary.
You execute the outpouring well, keeping interest and maintaining a prose display. There is emotion here that's tangible and for that, you can not be faulted, rather it is a redeemable feature.
What you speak of is easily relatable for me and I will count that as more positive in this particular respect. Strong points: Title, "Everything was always my fault", and the final line. The rest I split between venting and actual meaning in conceptual poetry. But enough of the intellectual critique,
this reached me on a personal level and to me that is really what true poetry is all about.
Blue
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