I was the thought behind
every tap that night
against old copper pipes
next to the roll-out bed
Down the old broken street
past an old brick façade,
staying with friends that night,
thoughts of me fresh in mind
The radiators spoke
in tones of metal ticks
that resonate with notes
singing across each floor
All of the tenants stirred
throughout that time of night
from all your desperate sounds,
thoughts spinning ‘round your head
And I heard every word
in your soliloquy
spoken through fingernails
against old copper pipes
But if I’d sent reply,
would you have known it’s me
through all the noise
of that sweet song
that you sent me
Author notes
Obviously a feminine perspective. =)
A contest entry
- Because I love giving challenges, by catalyst..
550 points, ended November 1, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make me smile by XxForeverFaithfulxX.
1150 points, ended November 1, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Well?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Wonderful write, congrats on your gold win. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Hi. I’m with Critical Reviewers Two and I’m here to look at your poem as requested.
First, I see that you have a Gold trophy and an Honorable trophy and (my word processor tells me) no spelling errors. It probably doesn’t need much tweaking.
I was right. Other than my own personal belief that a question should be followed by a question mark, I found only one place I question.
“But if I’d sent reply,
would you have known it’s me”
Seems the tense here should have both been present or both should have been past.
(I have no idea if I spelled “tense” correctly
)
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The tense is consistantly my achilles heel in writing. You are correct, but now I'm left with the puzzle of how to rewrite that while sticking to my form. Darn.
The question mark I left out because I felt that it would ruin the flow of the poem.
Thank you very much for your input! =)
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Amazing. I love the imagination and the picture you put in my head. I loved this. I liked the ending best but everything was amazing. Thanks for entering and good luck.
~Kayla
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Outstanding
I thought this was creative written with a lot of imagination, the whole concept was impressive. The language was well-chosen- and you drew the scene very well. I liked the ending too. A very unusual poem that has a lot of strength to it. Best of luck in the contest.
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Feminine? I think it could have been either a woman or a man. In any case, you have come up with a very original write, romantic in an offbeat way. I assume the woman was sending a message of love?
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Well, the perspective is from a woman who is in her apartment in this building and hears someone tapping on the pipes. Her imagination is kinda filling in the gaps, because she knows someone she met in a fleeting moment is actually staying upstairs tonight.
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very well done, your words intertwine with each other creating strong emotion, no complaints. Great job!=]
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I applause you and praise you for your imagery, quite exceptional!
Having read other poems you wrote, I was expecting nothing less exquisite.
You want revision for this poem?
I’m sorry; I have none to give you.
It’s perfect in my eyes
With this poem, I read it once and you know this feeling of not getting enough of something? And wanting so much more? Or getting your favorite candy and eating bits and pieces of it so it won’t finish too quickly? That’s how I felt about this write. Your creativity captures me in a moment.
A movement of pure delight; of endless thoughts.
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I never compliment, the first feeling I get is what I write, if you noticed most of the time am not even critical, I just say it how it is! (It’s a gut thing!)
And you are truly talented, am a fan of your work... you should give yourself huge credit because you deserve it.
Take care =) -
You're quite kind to me in your reviews of my poems. I dunno, I don't take compliments very well. I can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing. lol
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I love where you've taken the prompt. The imagery was amazing
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your seem very versatile so this was a hard diagnosis,
but you usually write thinkers that are connected to nature(I loved an ode to symbolism btw)
so im going to take away nature and give you a worn old heater. take it wear you may. -
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Done (replied simply because it takes awhile for an edit to show up on contests)
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too look at your poems, it would help to have your username lol.
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hahaha sorry! ^_^ this is Freswinn
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