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Broken and Burning

Screeches ran throats sore
They all saw it
The blue eyes simmer with red
The green eyes fill with shock
Her wrists thumped pain
His fingers pushed anger
Writhing mapped the streets

They stood on a corner

But not near the alley

Clenched teeth spat bitter words

And pumping lungs breathed disbelief

Eye to eye

Their stare met

''Just go home'' he impatiently roared

''No'' she persisted

Tears streamed

And his feet just walked away

Breathless, distraught

But now

When she passes

It's where she lies: broken inside

He doesn't realise

So the future burns on. 













Author notes

2. “Nobody’s Home” – Avril Lavigne
‘It’s where she lies:
Broken inside’
was my chosen song.

A contest entry

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Comments


  • Nangaleema
    October 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow. i think the story this poem tells is interesting and the concept is presented clearly yet in impressively creative language. it seems to me you have put thought into the composition of every line here getting your story across easily without using hackneyed and overly simple words and phrases.
    i liked so many things about this poem it would take up too much space for me to inumerate them all. let me mention a few:
    saying: "The blue eyes simmer with red
    The green eyes fill with shock
    Her wrists thumped pain
    His fingers pushed anger" is a million times more poetic and descriptive than saying two people argued. it describes the role each had in the altercation
    some more great lines: "Screeches ran throats sore"
    "Clenched teeth spat bitter words"
    "pumping lungs breathed disbelief"

    i have never heard the song which inspired this piece, but i think this poem stands on its own. when i read it i thought of a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. but the poem is ambiguous enough that it could be any of several situations: father/daughter, employer/employee and so on. i like that you have left the ending open as well so the reader is not sure where the two people stand in relation to one another now. i think this is a great write. cheers! - NANGALEEMA


  • KyleBerg gold member
    October 22, 2008

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    Hmm.. an interesting entry.
    The story of it was emotional and strong with good imagery. I particularly liked the way you used personification with a few different body parts -- eg. "And pumping lungs breathed disbelief". -- I thought that was quite well done =)

    However, although the story was emotional, I also had a bit of difficulty understanding what was happening.. probably my fault

    Also, the dialogue seems.. out of place somehow.. like, it makes it more specific, which means less people will be able to relate to it. I'm not sure that makes sense, but oh well.

    But with all that said, I did enjoy reading your entry, and it moved me =)

    Thanks heaps for entering and best of luck