I'm ok without you, or so i keep telling myself, if i say it enough times maybe i'll believe it?
It's not so bad during the day, when all the lights are on, but at night, i hear your voice, whispering my name, your spirit leaping, dancing, weeping by my bedside. Your soul becomes the shadow, hanging on my wall, a halftruth waiting to be spoken, dissipating, it devours itself, changing its shape and its colour, it alters form, sheds it's skin, changes all its shape and its colour.
I became the ocean and you, a stricken liner, there was nothing else to do but swallow you whole. I've become the ocean and you, a solar flare, a sunspot, a galaxy, a pearl on the sea floor.
If i meet you tonight, in my dreams or by my bedside, i'll remember to say a prayer, for the ocean, for the universe, for the love we once shared, for a shipwreck on the sea floor. If i meet you tonight, in my dreams or by my bedside, i'll remember to say a prayer, for the ocean, for the universe, for a tresure chest now empty, for a carcass left rotting, slowly wasting away, for a shipwreck on the sea floor.
Author notes
changeing
- Hopeless Romantics come together group list • next in list
A contest entry
- think deeper by Lavender Butterfly.
550 points, ended October 23, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Share your poems with me by trekkergirl.
550 points, ended November 6, 2008, 174 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Heartbreak Hotel by neenz.
900 points, ended November 10, 2008, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Become a Favourite! by BabyBun.
400 points, ended November 3, 2008, 47 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - misery loves company... by nobodys-girl.
700 points, ended January 18, 92 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - all the prewrites you want (theres a catch) by serenity silvermoon.
400 points, ended January 7, 299 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Make this THE largest Contest EVER on AP [enter, enter, enter!] by Symphony.
18000 points, ended April 28, 1014 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any honest comments and thoughts appreciated!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
-
This was so sad; from the very first line, I was drawn in and couldn't escape from reading it,
Like, "I'm ok without you, or so i keep telling myself, if i say it enough times maybe i'll believe it?" that is just SO sad -
And i'm sure the majority of us reading here have been through the same thing, tried to convince ourselves of the exact same belief, and does it work? Very rarely - and not very well for me...
This was a very powerful write; thank you for entering
-
I can do nothing but say this is absolutely amazing and I enjoyed reading it very much. the pain and loss surcumbed by change is immensely brought out into the light with this masterpiece. Keep up the excellent work and God bless you always in everything you do and write.
-
this is a really amazing poem. the picture it paints is so depressing and yet so real. i loved reading it.
for the contest tho, it really doesnt work. i asked for no heartbreak poems and this really seems like one to me. thank you for entering though, and i hope you enter another poem that is not heartbrake. -
I love the imagery presented here, because I have always been drawn to the ocean myself. The water gives us so many metaphors to play with.. I also like the line "for the love we once shared, for a shipwreck on the sea floor", for when you lose someone you truly loved it IS both of those things, and sometimes it is hard to figure out the difference between them. You still love the person, but you can tell that it is broken and that it is nothing but a shipwreck that can never be recovered. Bravo on this piece, it was a joy to read
-
-
Thanx for reading, glad you like! slit
-
-
This was a really wonderful write.. The thoughts that this poem produced were really wonderful, you brought out many different images here that I greatly enjoyed.. and your writing style.. for some reason it seems different to me.. though i really don't know why.. anyway thank you very much for sharing this..
Angel
-
Original and thought provoking. Thanks for the entry and good luck
-
I like the imagery - you the ocean swallowing the other person whole - very nice. Thank you for the entry.
-N -
Exceptional
It is really difficult getting over the loss of a loved one. Your poem really sums up what it is like to grieve that person you once loved. It does get more difficult at night when all the lights are out because people usually sleep at night and it is the time when your grief feels stronger.
I love the way you have used imagery and thought about the words you have used. I love the way you compare the ocean, a stricken liner, a solar flare, a sunspot, a galaxy, and a pearl on the sea floor. I like the way you use the ocean again when you first said you become then you became the ocean. This is a very great use of imagery and words.
This poem is very deep and meaningful. Well done.
-
I like how you did complete sentences in full line format, but in that last section you may want to consider breaking it up? other than that I really enjoyed it though
-
very good , just an idea- you could break this up into line verses? but besides that i enjoyed the read the bit about night time and day time did it for me take care and the best of luck in your next contest
-
Oh my
This is a very deep write indeed and how the mind often whispers goodbyes in thw realm of sleep to those past
-
Nice one, Slit.
Really like this one. LOVE the question mark after the first sentence and all the powerful implications that throws over the rest of the piece. One thing? Spell-Check, man! Nicely written.
-
Okay now I have to say this one has to be a favorite of mine. I really really do like it a whole lot. You use imagery great here. And it definitely has a lot of emotion to it. It flows wonderfully and to be honest I just really like what it has to say. Great job here. And thanks for entering it into my contest.
-
This is a powerful, sad write. Love the metaphor, it really helped give real feeling and emotion to the piece. Best of luck in the contests with it.
-
oops! 10 line limit...
Adding your comment:
1 - 16 of 16
